I sat on the front porch this evening for a little more than two hours. I didn't turn on the tv inside the house. I didn't play on my phone. I didn't worry about the laundry in the hamper, or the dishes needing put away. I didn't call anyone or text anyone. I just sat. I thought. I remembered.
I came into the house and started to decide on a blog post for the night. I started perusing pictures and realized that I remember a story with every single picture. I have a beautiful memory etched in my heart of every smile and in every reason behind that perfect, infectious smile of his.
This first one of just Mike in his MRWA hat was taken atop one of our hillsides on the farm a few years ago. I had been loaned my very first DSLR camera, a Nikon D3000 from our neighbor, and wanted to take some pictures. Who better to use as guinea pigs than my husband and son? So, we drove the four wheelers all over the farm looking for perfect places to snap a few photos. Some we took just of Conner. Conner pumping the old handle at the well at Bull Pen. Conner climbing the cliffs by the Hole in the Rock field. Conner sitting on a large rock on Rocky Ridge. We had ridden around on a beautiful early fall evening for an hour or so, just exploring, stopping to take a few pictures, and so on. Our final stop was the top of a ridge. We could see the neighboring ridges and the valley below in its splendor. I asked Mike if he would just continue looking ahead and smiling, but I wanted to take his picture. He smiled his perfect smile. He was so incredibly handsome that he melted my heart all over again every single day we were together. He was so handsome. Over the past 13 years, and especially the last few, his beard began to "salt". He hated it and complained often, but I always told him I loved it. I did. I loved everything about the way he looked. He always loved the way I looked too and always let me know it. I fell deep into his eyes the first night we saw each other, the night he cooked me dinner at his house and we began. I miss his face. I miss his smile. I miss his "salty" beard.
This second picture was a fairly recent event. When Mike and I began I had just been through a divorce and was on a bit of an "I can do it all by myself and I'm going to die alone" kick. So, logically, I bought a single cab, 5-speed, 4x4, used Dodge Dakota pickup truck. After all, I was going to die alone so I didn't need room for anyone else, right? Well, two years later and literally one week after we married, we became pregnant. Where in the world was I going to put a newborn car seat, let alone groceries, my school bag, Conner's diaper bag, etc...? So, we traded. I still owed money on the truck, so...you get the gist. I financed more on the Dodge Durango we traded for than I should have. Had the Durango for two years and we racked up too many miles. I traveled at least once a year to a conference four hours away, and made countless trips to Poplar Bluff for groceries, etc... Mike was concerned with the miles, so he wanted to trade this time. We still owed on the Durango. This cycle unfortunately continued over the next several years. A few years ago Mike got into a "small car, better gas mileage" frame of mind and he bought a Prius. Yes, my farmer, manly man, sexy, tough, insanely hot husband bought a Prius. Oh the jokes. So, he drove the Prius for one year. At that point, he decided he was going to soon resign from his traveling job and thus we would no longer need the Prius. I owned a Jeep Liberty and wanted something bigger if I was going to get the poor gas mileage that my Liberty was getting. If I was going to pay for a gas drinking machine, then I wanted a roomier gas drinking machine. So, we sold the Jeep to my cousin Stacy. No problem, I would drive the Prius for a few months; that was the deal! I swear! I was only supposed to drive it for a few months until I found a Tahoe or Yukon of my choice. Well, we live on a mountain. Legit, a huge massive hill and thus my driving the Prius up and down that mountain at least twice a day (to and from work), was not doing the poor car any favors. It literally jumped and spun the entire way up the hill and drug part of the way down. When Mike had driven it for work, he usually parked it at the bottom of the hill so this wear and tear was not happening when he drove it. Most of the miles on it were highway, until I took over. ;) So, I convinced Mike that I could make the payments on my own, that the Prius was a wasted investment since he was quitting his job soon, and that someone would give us a really good deal. He offered to trade in an old farm truck that he had experienced trouble with since day 1. He offered to trade the Prius, IF they would give us what we owed. We were breaking the cycle of me financing a vehicle for more than it was worth because I never paid one off. We went to a neighboring town, found a PERFECT Tahoe and a perfect Silverado. We took a few days to ponder...well no, Mike took a few days to ponder the choice, and when we went back, the Tahoe had sold the day before. I was so upset. But, Mike convinced me to go with the Silverado and not wait for another Tahoe because: "When you're done with it, and you know you'll be done with it in about two years, I can take it. And if by some miracle you keep it, then Conner can take it when he turns 16. You'll have it just paid off then." Seriously, those were his exact words. I remember well. So, he suckered me into it and I test drove the Silverado. It is beautiful. It is big. I "let" Mike drive it home the day we bought it and he is smiling as I took a selfie. I sent it to Tristan and his reply was, "Well at least we know Dad likes it better than the Prius! He never smiled when he drove the Prius!" How very true, Tristan.
The next picture of Mike smiling his goofy smile was taken on Current River when Conner was about 3 or 4; it was our last camping trip as a family. When Tristan was little, we used to go camping during the summer for at least a week. When Conner came along, Mike still took Tristan camping, but Conner and I would only come visit and play. I was not going to sleep with a newborn or a toddler at the river. Nope. Wasn't going to happen. This particular year we took our nephews, Billy and Derrek, with us. Mike, Conner and I slept in what we call "The Scotty", an old RV that used to be Mike's Grandma Holly's. Tristan, Billy and Derrek slept in a tent right outside the RV. We had such a good camping trip that year. We made some awesome memories. This moment of the picture we had stopped for a while to let the boys take turns jumping from the boat front (motor was off; we were just floating). Conner was so little that we made him keep his life jacket on the entire time, and he just HAD to wear his goggles every time as well. He hadn't learned to hold his breath without holding his nose yet so his goggles did that for him. It was a good time. I made Tristan a collage frame full of pictures from that last family camping trip many years ago. It still hangs in his room here.
And then you have the Christmas picture of that perfect smile again. He is laughing in this picture because "every good man needs a pocket knife!" Story -- my mom loves to give gifts. She never had anything when she was growing up, or when my sister and I were, so she makes up for it now! Let me tell ya! ;) Even though we would rather she not ever buy us anything, just focus on the grandkids and spending time with us, she never fails to deliver gifts at Christmas. My sister's husband has never really had a use for a pocket knife. He grew up in the city and just never needed one. Until now that is and he spent several years as Mike Hollis' brother in law, so he needs a pocket knife daily I'm sure! love you brother! ;) So, Mom bought Merlyn a pocket knife one year. I am pretty sure somehow that pocket knife landed in the couch that we bought used from my sister one year (not sure how long it had been wedged below the cushions, so Merlyn obviously didn't "need" a pocket knife that badly...lol). There was some joke Mike made about the pocket knife when Mom bought it for Merlyn and her reply was, "Well, Mike, every good man needs a pocket knife!" And so, the joke ran for a couple of years simply BECAUSE Mom bought more than one pocket knife for more than one man in our family! She would forget every time that she had already bought one OR just has an obsession with men having pocket knives! Either way, my son now has about 50! Love you, Mom. And Mike loved your pocket knives.
The taking of maternity pictures has spiked in recent years. When I was pregnant with Conner, those just didn't happen that often as there were very few "professional" or even "up and coming" photographers, so we didn't have any taken. The only place "normal" folks could get pictures would be Wal-Mart and then it meant you had to buy that huge 105 picture package for $5.00, but they were all the SAME pose! You remember those? Well, one day we were at my sister's rental house, helping her fix something, and my dad, Mike, my sister, Alyssa, and I were all there visiting when Mike finished working on whatever needed worked on. Alyssa was swinging in a life jacket...too cute...I have no idea why, but she was and I remember it. Dad was sitting on a trailer with a mower on it maybe. Mike had driven his old farm Toyota with a wooden bed. Dad was teasing me about my growing belly and I said I was getting so fat that I probably couldn't even reach Mike to kiss him. Well, my husband gladly proved me wrong by grabbing me by the hands and pulling me to him for a kiss. Guess I was wrong about the size of my belly because you can clearly see that our bellies are nowhere near touching! He kissed me while laughing and I got so tickled at him. I loved his kisses. I miss his kisses. I am so blessed and grateful to have Conner, a piece of Mike.
This last two pictures are from one of our son's baseball games last spring/summer. Conner and Mike had several songs that they loved. One was "He's Mine". It's an adorable country song telling of a boy whose Daddy claims him every time, even when the boy is in trouble and being ornery. The dad tells of his pride in that little boy. He tells of his son's wild hair and adventures, of his kindness to others, and so on. Every year the parents order shirts with either their last name or something like "Conner's Mom" on the back with the child's jersey number. Mike had me order his, but he did not get to attend the first few games due to work. I kept Mike's shirt folded in his drawer until one day he surprised us by making it home in time to join us for the game. We walked outside and Mike sat in a chair on the deck and I told Conner to go stand in the yard so I could get a picture (yes, photos are one my many things). After a few I told him to turn around and that I was going to have Daddy join him, but I wanted them side by side so Conner could not see the back of Mike's shirt. I snapped the picture then told Conner to come see. He saw that his Dad's shirt didn't say the normal thing...he couldn't read it all the way, so he went to his dad and had him turn his back to Conner. The shirt read: Conner - He's Mine. It brought the biggest smile to our son's face that I have ever seen. And it brought tears to my eyes. Mike was proud to wear it. He was proud to be a dad to both of his sons.
For every single picture I look at, I have a story. Some of the photos I took; some are from other people. Some are 13 years old; some are five and one half months old. The last picture we took together was taken on Christmas Day at Mike's mom's house. He was wearing a flannel shirt and I was wearing purple. He had been given a camouflage button up shirt and he held it in front of him as we squeezed together with our gifts. He was my gift all those years ago. He was my gift from God just when I needed him the most. His gifts to me never quit; the physical ones, yes ;), but the gifts of his unfailing love, commitment, laughter, smile, kiss, touch, everything...are irreplaceable. I'm so glad I have all of these pictures and thousands more. I'm glad my memory is like an elephant's and I remember details that most don't. I will cherish every photo taken with my husband and of my husband for the rest of my life.
I wish you were here baby and I'd take another selfie with you that you enjoyed so much! ;) lol... My gosh my missing you is not lessening, baby. My heart is not healing. Until I see you again, I will look at your smile here on paper; I will walk down memory lane with every photo; I will remember what I had for 13 years, 2 months, and 11 days. I will have it again one day when I see you again and I cannot wait.
I love you Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity. #stillhis
Love,
Veronica
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