Our Boy...

Last night our boy and I went to a wedding and he was the most handsome guy there. Conner looked so much like his daddy. He wore dark wash Levis, cowboy boots, a blue button up shirt and a dress vest over it. 

As he slow danced with me during the mother-son dance, tears welled up in my eyes not only for pure pride but also for sadness unexplainable. 

Mike is missing his little boy grow up. Mike won't get to see Conner dressed up for his first prom. He won't get to watch him graduate and walk across the stage to get his diploma. Mike will miss watching our boy fall in love for the first time and he'll miss the day our son marries his true love. Mike will not be here to meet his grandchildren. There are so many things he will miss and it breaks my heart every day. 

And our boy misses his dad beyond measure. Conner has his first girlfriend and he almost broke up with her the day after he asked her to be his girlfriend just because his dad isn't here to talk him through it. I cried with him the morning he woke at 4:00 am doubting himself because Mike isn't here to tell him what to say. 

I told Conner that mommy can handle this and I know what's good to say to girls and what isn't...but it's not the same. And I know that.

I know there will be an infinite number of times when our boy would much rather have his dad here. And it will be for the simple things, like taking him bow hunting or riding around on the farm. But it will also be for those huge moments in life that take your breath away. And there will just be this void as big as the sky. 

And let me tell you, as a mom it is beyond the most difficult thing ever to see your child so broken. He cries often. He talks about his dad and wants to hear stories about us all the time. He tries to do little things just like him and he sometimes does without even trying. Today he pulled a kitchen chair out to sit and pull his cowboy boots on and I swear I saw Michael in that very moment. Mike did that every single day. In that same exact chair. 

Memories flood my soul all day every day and little moments like slow dancing with our boy or watching our son do things exactly like his daddy did, make my breaths catch in my chest for just a minute and make my heart beat faster. 

So that means I have to do my very best to smile and nod when I really want to hide; to laugh out loud when I really want to cry; to take our boy places and do things with him when I really want to stay locked away from everything and everyone. 

Our boy is broken, but he is wise beyond his years, stronger than any superhero imagined, and my perfect blessing from God. 

Daddy sure is proud, bubba boy. No matter how far away Heaven is, daddy is watching you all the time, wishing he could be with you as much as you wish you could be with him. And momma doesn't know what I would do without you. 

I love you, son. More than any mom has ever loved her son; to the moon and back; to pieces; always and forever; and more than words. 

And baby, I love and miss you the same. 

NFAxI...

#stillhis

Love,

Veronica