These are things I ask myself daily but today has been one of those days that these questions are literally flooding my mind over and over.
It will be a year in a little over two months and I can't imagine myself being in any better of a place after that one year mark than I am right now.
There are so many things I still don't know the answer to, like:
When is probate going to end?
What's going to happen with the farm?
How am I going to keep paying for everything and make things run?
Will the other pieces of land ever sell?
How am I going to pay off all this debt that was left behind?
Is my son going to be ok just being raised by me?
When is this outrageous pain ever going to lessen to a dull pain?
I am so grateful for my family and friends. I don't know where we would be or what we would do without them. They listen when I need to cry; they help with Conner when I have meetings and tons of other work things; they help me with housework and help me run the farm; they try to comfort me when I'm having a terrible moment.
But...it is all done in vain. They are not Mike. They cannot bring him or my life back. They cannot fill my smile with genuine happiness. They cannot know the secret fears that run through my mind daily. They cannot take away the fear and sadness and anger and shock and confusion. They just have to stand alongside me and do their best to keep me from falling completely. They are my angels sent from God and I don't know if I even deserve them.
We haven't been to church in weeks. I can't force myself to go. I see the funeral every time I go. I feel shaky and like I'm taking those steps to the main floor to see our family pictures displayed in the foyer. I imagine myself being helped to walk the aisle to make it to my husband's casket. I just relive that terrible day every Sunday so I haven't been back in weeks.
I don't know what to do with myself and I honestly can't believe this is my life.
My gosh, what I would give to have you and normal and happy and safe back, baby. I love you and miss you beyond any measure.
NFAxI...
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
Sending all my love on the wings of a desert sparrow. I am coming up on two years at Christmastime of my husband passing. I was expecting the second year to be easier, but it wasn't. Just sending you lovelovelove, Deborah
ReplyDeleteSending all my love on the wings of a desert sparrow. I am coming up on two years at Christmastime of my husband passing. I was expecting the second year to be easier, but it wasn't. Just sending you lovelovelove, Deborah
ReplyDeleteDeborah, thank you so much for the love...I send mine to you in return and prayers are going up.
ReplyDelete