I am counting down the next 2 hours and 35 minutes until I plan to have a complete meltdown. It will be 5:40 p.m.
I married my high school boyfriend just 5 months after graduation and he filed for divorce just short of 5 years later. I never thought anyone would want me or love me again. I thought I was going to be alone forever. Mike changed that.
On Thursday, October 18, 2001, at 5:40 p.m., my telephone rang and my second chance at love came across the other end and said, "Hey, this is Mike Hollis, how are you?" And so began our journey together. That first phone call lasted until 6:20 and we literally talked about everything. I remember how smooth he thought he was...well I thought he was too...surprisingly actually. No man had ever talked to me the way Mike did, especially just when asking me on our first date!
"So, do you like to go out or what do you like to do?" Mike asked.
"I do like to go out and get dressed up, you know, movie and dinner, but I'm also a country girl and like riding around on gravel roads and just talking too. I'm pretty easy to please." I had no clue how to talk to him. I had literally only ever been with my ex-husband. Period. So, holy crap...I just relied on my expertise in Lifetime movie watching. ;) It worked.
"Ok, well how about I cook you dinner Sunday evening?"
"Sure, that sounds good."
I could not stop smiling while we continued our conversation. When I rested the receiver into its cradle, I was literally shaking like a leaf. I was broken out in hives and I began sobbing. My phone conversation with another man and my upcoming date confirmed that my marriage was truly over. I was a failure.
But the excitement of seeing Mike in just a few days sent chills all through me. I had always thought Mike was such a good looking man. He was so nice and every time I had seen him, he smiled and waved.
I remember early on, before he built up the nerve to call and ask me out, I would see him out and about and his smile would just sparkle. I never imagined that he thought I existed, let alone found me attractive enough to ask on a date.
I saw him at a parking lot adjacent to our local Dollar General store one day with his father-in-law. As I left the store parking lot, he waved and smiled as I did the same in return. I think I even blushed a little, even though no one was with me to see it. He told me later that he pulled in there when he saw my truck in the DG parking lot.
Another time I sat at the Jolly Cone with a friend and her boyfriend and Mike pulled in in his old Toyota. That same Toyota is the truck we rode around in for hours on our first date after dinner. Mike spoke as he smiled and walked to the order window. I remember asking where his little shadow was, his son, and we talked for just a minute while he waited. We told each other to have a good day and he smiled the entire time he was pulling from the lot. Mike later told me that he already had a drink in the truck; he only pulled in because he saw me sitting there.
A different time I saw Mike at Wal-Mart while I was with my sister and niece. I thought nothing of it, but it turned out we actually were parked right behind each other so not only did we see each other and say hello inside Wal-Mart, but we also smiled and told each other to have a good day when leaving the store.
God has such magical ways of putting people in the right places at the right time. He put Mike and me in the perfect places at the perfect times because he knew we were perfect for each other.
Dinner that first evening, Sunday, October 21, was comfortable and easy. Conversation flowed. I helped him cook dinner. He prepared steak, baked potato, salad, and macaroni and cheese. He had a small bottle of every kind of salad dressing there is because he wasn't sure which kind I liked. He also had a gallon pitcher of grape Kool-Aid waiting.
After dinner and much conversation, Mike asked if I wanted to take a ride around his farm. We hopped in the old 'Yota and rode for hours, solving all the world's problems and falling in love. I had never been so attracted to anyone in my life. I felt a burning from within that hadn't burned in forever. My former marriage and relationship proved that we had just been a couple of kids who THOUGHT they knew what love was. Turns out, I did love my ex-husband, but I don't really think I was "in love", even though I sure was convinced I was. With Mike, I instantly felt it.
Love at first sight...do you believe in it? Mike convinced me it is real. I fell in love with him that night. And he with me. We both fell hard and fast. From October 18, 2001, there was not a single day when we didn't see or speak to each other multiple times a day.
In February of 2002, I finally moved in with Mike, after much discussion on the subject. He basically begged me to move in, so I finally did. We decided since we had both been through failed marriages, and there was a little boy involved, we needed to make sure we could stand each other on a day to day basis.
There were rough times. There were times he drank too much. There were times he scared me with his angry fits. There were times we fought tooth and nail about the dynamics of his son not wanting me there. There were times when he would shut me out and I would feel so hurt. There were times I thought money really was the root of all evil and that fights over it would end us. There were times his jealousy over nothing would take control and cause him to say mean things to me.
But, then there were times that caught my breaths.
Times when we couldn't even make it in the house before we fell into each other, wrapped up in love so passionate.
Times when he held me so close that I never felt safer in my life.
Times when he looked into my eyes and went all the way through to my soul.
Times when we laughed so hard and danced so closely and chased each other through the house. Times when we had heart-to-heart conversations about our future.
Times when we made plans for our life together.
Times when we worked together out on the farm, him teaching me all the way.
Times when we sat in silence, looking at the stars, dreaming of becoming parents together one day. Times when we went away together and enjoyed each other's company while out at dinner, at one of his MRWA conferences, or just hanging out with friends.
Times when we whispered fears to each other that no one had ever heard.
Times when we cried to each other about our fears and we wiped each other's tears with a gentle touch.
Times when we realized we were made for each other and that is why we would fight so hard one minute and love even harder the next.
And all those amazing times in my life began with a simple phone call that changed everything.
And here I am, 9 and 1/2 months into widowhood, and it all began with another phone call that changed everything.
Part of me wants to feel again all the things I felt with Mike. Part of me wants to never even try, for fear that I will search for the love of my life in every man who crosses my path. I don't know if I'll ever feel that passion again. If I'll ever feel that safe or loved or wanted or needed or appreciated. I hope that I will in time. I hope that it will come one day and that my little boy will have a man in his life who can be his friend and help him grow and learn, but never try to replace his dad.
But today, I will remember all the things about my husband that won me over 14 years ago today. From the sound of his raspy voice on the other end of the line, to his lips when we first kissed four days later.
I miss you baby. More than words can express. But I try. I try to let you know in my prayers and in my secret thoughts and in my moments of silence just how much I miss you and still love you. You were mine and I was yours. And I will be...
Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity...
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
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