Dear Conner...Love, Dad

A while back I wrote a post titled, "A Letter from Heaven", which included a letter to our boy from his dad.  I wrote with Mike's words that I had heard a thousand times before and I wrote the rest from what I know he would say if he could. I received such high response on that post because those who knew my husband told me that it sounded exactly like he wrote it.  Achingly so.  I knew him that well.  So, with my recent posts about our boy, I felt on my heart that Mike has been telling me to write to our boy again...from him.

Dear Conner,

Hey buddy, it's Dad again.  I got your letters...Mom read them to me.  Thank you for writing them.  I wish so much that I could be there, son.  My gosh, it is crazy how this happened.  How our worlds changed in just one quick second.  I'm sorry that my leaving hurt you and momma so much.  I sure didn't mean for it to.  I never meant to hurt you guys and to leave like I did.

But, you know what God told me when I got here?

He said, "Son...welcome home.  It's time to rest. I've got everything taken care of for you here and you don't have to worry and work so hard anymore. Come see your family that you've missed so many years and rest.  Just rest."

I looked at him, Conner, and my first question back to him was, "What about my family, God?  What about my boys?  My sons are so young and Conner is only 10 years old.  This isn't fair to him, God."

And you know what he told me back, bubba?

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and as we started walking toward the sunlight I could see shining across the way, he said, in almost a whisper, "Mike, I promise you something right now.  I have your family wrapped in my Grace.  I am with your family and I will see them through every day and every night that they have to live without you.  I will listen to every cry and every prayer and every fear and every dream.  I will listen as they beg me to bring you back, but I will send them little reassurances that you are ok with Me.  I will listen as they get angry with Me for taking you and I will send your wife the right words to tell your son, Conner, when he asks why you had to leave so soon. I will know when their hearts are breaking all over again and I can feel them shaking all the way up here, and I will send them your song to help them breathe easy again.  I will watch as they learn new routines and go new places, trying to fill their sadness with something new and exciting, and as I watch this I will send them the happiest memories of you and it will help them smile.  When their tears fall on their pillows as they cry and they feel like they can't go anymore without you, I will move them closer to each other in the night.  When doubts flood their minds about the future, I will give them the idea that you would want them to be ok without you and that you understand they have to do what they have to do.  Trust me, Michael, you are MY son and I love you and would never leave your family."

It took me a minute to wrap my mind around it, but I knew I had to.  So, I did.  I turned one last time to look over my shoulder, wondering if I could still see my little brown haired, brown eyed boy in the distance.  But I couldn't.  God told me that he wanted me to wait a little while before he would let me see you.

So, it took a bit but when I finally did, it was AMAZING!!!!!  All I could do was smile!

Your are growing so big, son!  You are getting so tall it's unreal!  You're going to pass your brother pretty soon...I know he hates that, but boy, it's gonna happen.

And I saw you write the note to Molly the day you asked her to be your girlfriend.  You were trying to be pretty slick like your ole dad, huh? ha ha ha...  Good job, bubba.

But I want to tell you that I saw your note the next day too.  When you woke up that next morning, crying to momma that you were scared to have a girlfriend because daddy wasn't there to give you advice, I asked God to send momma the words she needed. I'm so glad it worked.

You have a very smart mom, son.  She's smarter than I was about most things. Farming, umm no... but, she's learning.  She's doing a good job learning all the stuff I did before I left.  You remember that.  You listen to her.

I'm so glad she talked you through it and you kept that pretty little girl as your girlfriend.  I sure was proud of you after that talk...when you decided to keep your girlfriend and listen to your mom's advice.  You became more of a man in that moment, son.  You doubted yourself. You became weak for a minute because you didn't think you could do something on your own.  But you know what? You went ahead and had the courage to keep doing what you were doing.  You listened to your mom tell you she could handle those girls...and she's right...she knows what girls need to hear.  She knows how you need to treat them.  Trust her.  I did.

So, when I started getting to see and hear you, it was so cool!  I watch you at school and man, that's so cool that you're in Beta!  I know you're going to do that drawing contest and I want you to draw one of those cool work trucks like we used to draw.  I bet you win something!  But even if you don't, I'm gonna love it anyway.  And everybody else will too.

I been seeing you make new friends at school too.  That's good.  You guys do some pretty funny stuff at school.  I like when you guys play football and it's cool how sometimes you talk with your friends and you sound just like me.  It makes me smile.

You know what else I saw the other day?

I saw a young man, dressed fit to kill, in a pair of dark Levi's and boots, take his momma's hand and walk with her to the dance floor at a wedding.  I saw a little boy forget his troubles for a minute and wrap his arm around his mom's waste and slow dance with her and my gosh, I never had more pride swell out of my chest than I did right then.  Your momma took my breath away 14 years ago and let me tell you son, she took it away again that night.  She looked so beautiful to me.  She was the prettiest girl there.  And you were the best lookin' guy in the whole place.

I watched you two slow dance to two songs.  You did so good, son. You made your momma feel like the luckiest woman in the world.  Because she has you and you are a part of me and her put together. You got all the good stuff out of both of us, you know?

Her smarts when it comes to reading and writing; you're so creative with your stories.
My art side with all of your drawings of trucks, jeeps, and deer.  You sure can draw.  I used to love it.
Her heart.  You sure got her heart.  It's so big I don't know how it keeps from bursting.
My sense of humor.  Lol... Mom doesn't always appreciate it, but we sure do, huh!? ;)

We are both so proud of you, Conner.

I wish so much that I could be with you to tell you all this in person, but one day I will be.  One day we will be together again and you know what it will be like?  Like we never were apart.  I promise. You won't even know that I've been gone.  Someone told your mom once that it would be like we just turned around and there we were, never gone.  We'll laugh and hug and kiss and jump for joy.  You won't know I've been gone.  I won't know all that I've missed and will miss in all the years to come.

Know why?  Because I see it all.  I WILL be with you when you kiss your first girl.  I WILL be with you when you play your first junior high baseball game.  I WILL be with you when you walk into high school as a freshman.  I WILL be with you when you go to the Junior Prom.  I WILL be with you when you graduate high school.  I WILL be with you when the first girl really and truly breaks your heart in two.  I WILL be with you when you beg somebody to fix it and heal it and I'll sure do my best to reach down and comfort you.  I WILL be with you when you fall in love for the first time and know she is the one.  I WILL be with you when you ask her to be your wife and I WILL be with you when you meet her at the end of the aisle.  I WILL be with you when you buy your first house and when you have your first baby.  I WILL be with you when you watch your children grow.

Conner, I WILL be with you every day of your life.  Even if it's not in the way you wish it could be...I'm there.  I've always been here and I always will be.  I'm not goin' anywhere.  Sometimes it might feel like I'm not there and sometimes it might get hard to know I'm there, but all you need to do is remember.

Remember the times I held you when you were newborn and danced with you in the living room, singing you songs so low so momma couldn't hear.  Remember the times we rode around in the truck on the farm, just tellin' stories and laughin'.  Remember all the times we went hunting for deer and how excited and proud I got when you shot one.  Remember all the days we sat on the computer looking for toys at Walmart.com or at old Scouts and Jeeps on the Internet.  Remember all the times we sat in my office, me working at my computer and you "working"...aka drawing and making a mess...right beside me.  Remember all the wrestling matches and special nights we had in the floor. Remember all the birthdays and Christmases and July Fourth parties we had.  Remember how much fun we always made life, me and you.  Remember my laugh.  Remember my hugs and kisses.  And when you do, I'll be there.  I'll come to you in memories that warm your heart.  I'm always there, son. Always.

So, for now, I've gotta go again.  Grandpa Bob wants me to tell him more stories about you.  He's sure proud of you too.

I need a couple more favors, ok?

I need you to tell your brother how proud I am of him.  Tell him I watch him at college and he's doing good.  Tell him I miss him with every ounce of my being and it's so amazing to watch him grown into a man.  He's so good looking and smart and funny.  Tell him I sure miss his crazy stories he always has.  I miss his laugh.  Tell him to keep going to school and working hard.  Tell him I love him.

I need to you to tell your mom a few things too.  Tell her she is beautiful still.  Tell her I am so proud of her for her new job.  I can't believe she's a high school principal now.  She's doing so good there. She really is.  She sure is a hard working woman.  It's awesome how good of a job she's doing with those kids and teachers down there.  I think it's really panning out.  Tell her I see how worried she is and how heartbroken she still is, but that God is making her a little stronger everyday.  Tell her she's doing amazing with you and the bills and the farm and all of it. Tell her that it's ok to want to be happy again.  I want her to.

I want her to go out again someday and laugh and flirt and be made to feel beautiful again.  She deserves that.  She's never gonna try to replace me, son, you have to know that.  But momma needs to be ok and she needs to feel loved and safe and wanted and needed.  You won't understand that until you're grown.  But momma and I talked about this kind of stuff way before it happened.  Married couples often do that. Talk about what would happen if one of them passed away. We both told each other we would want the other one to find someone new, just as long as that someone new was good to you. Mom will pick good.  She picked me, right? ;)  So, trust her.

Don't fight her when she does date again. And I know momma...she won't even think about dating until she's good and ready!  And she'll make sure it's all good before she even brings you anywhere near someone else.  But when she does, be nice to him.  I mean it.  Make me proud.  He's not gonna try to replace me any more than momma is going to.  He will know the story behind us.  Mom will tell him on date number 1.  He'll know all about me and our life and the love we share.  And he'll understand.  If he doesn't, then you know good and well your mom won't keep him around.  So, make me proud and be nice, ok?

It'll eventually get easier and it'll be really cool to have another person who loves you and wants to hang out with you and have fun. That's what your mom was for your brother.  She was just another person to love him and want to be with him, and she never once tried to replace his mom or be his "new mom".  You know?  It'll work out buddy, I promise.  Just give it time and be patient.

So, tell her I love her and support her in everything she's doing.  I'm so proud of how she is making it work every day.  It's crazy.  She's way stronger than she thinks she is.

So, I'm gonna go.  I love you more than words, Conner Luin.  I love you so much it's crazy.  So, take care of yourself and of your mom.  Tell your brother how much I love him.  Be nice to Molly and all your friends.  CLEAN YOUR ROOM, please!  Your mom is getting so mad about that!

Keep working hard at school and doing your best.  I'll talk to you soon, bubba.  Keep my letters coming. I love to read them when you write them.

Sweet Dreams little man.  I love you forever...
Dad

I hope when my friends and family read this, they know it's Mike again.  I hope I did him justice.

I love you baby, and wish this letter was for real and you were just away at a conference.  What I would give to hold you one more time...or forever actually.

I love you and miss you beyond any measure of this world.
NFAxI...
#stillhis

Love,
Veronica