9 Months...

It takes about 9 months for a new and beautiful life to form inside a mother's womb. New beginnings, excitement and anticipation usually surround the eager parents. They cannot wait for the arrival of that first flutter; to hear the sound of a heartbeat on a sonogram monitor; to feel the first kick; to hold the first picture of the greatest blessing from God captured on that ultrasound screen; and eventually to experience the first time they meet and hold their new life in the palm of their hands.  Many first time parents read all the literature, like What to Expect When You're Expecting; they watch online videos; they do their research and are very cautious and meticulous with taking careful steps to ensure a healthy life with a new baby. 

But even after reading all that information and following the best advice, parents have to learn their way through parenthood. Things happen after you've prepped and prepped and prepped for those 9 long months, for which you can never be prepared. Babies choke on formula; you fight fevers and gas; you are exhausted beyond all measure; you find yourself placing your finger under their nose while they sleep just to check for breathing; your body aches in places you didn't know it could. You can't learn good parenting from a book; you can get advice and tips sure, but there is no one perfect way to be a parent. You develop a "normal" life that works for you and your family after only 9 months. 

It seems insane to me that 9 months ago MY life was normal, and I still struggle daily with accepting my new life that took literally a second to change. There was no being ready or prepared. I have read several widow blogs and books, but they have left me no more prepared than a new parent. There is no preparation for widowhood. And I don't care what anyone says or thinks...there is nothing "normal" about life after losing a spouse. 

It was a normal day of me cleaning in my pajamas, moving in a frenzy to get the house put back together after all the Christmas festivities. My little boy was playing with toys and watching tv, even occasionally using the bench and kitchen chairs as a fort. Nothing in my life was broken. Nothing about my day was unusual or different than most days spent at home during Christmas break. We were safe and healthy and happy, all of which are in our daily prayers. 

But in the blink of an eye and with one phone call, normal was gone. Safe, healthy and happy were obliterated. 

And here we are 9 months later. We have not developed a new "normal" because there are still so many things we've never done without Mike.  I have read and researched and read some more. I don't know any better how to muddle through widowhood than I did on day 1. And I'm betting that in 9 more months or in 9 years, I'll still be figuring life out without Mike. 

Some people might think that sounds ludicrous, but it's not.

I was happy just 9 months ago. I had my life where I'd always imagined it would be. My family was safe, healthy, happy and WHOLE. 

Can you imagine for just a moment what it would be like without your number one partner? Can you take time to actually stop, turn and look at him or her and imagine all the things you love about him or her just vanishing? Can you fathom the thought of never seeing your one true love again? Never hearing the voice that calms you in the night? Never kissing those lips that melt you? Never holding that hand that brings you comfort? 

I had never imagined those things and here I am, living them. And it is torture. It is terrible and gut wrenching and sad and lonely and ridiculous. 

I miss my husband so much that sometimes I can't even put it into words. 

BUT, I also want to tell you about the support that we still get on a daily basis, even 9 months later. This support is what is getting us through every day of this new life. 

Conner has struggled at school several days already this year. The support we have received from the school counselor, nurse and others is immeasurable. The support I have received from some of my staff members, my secretary, and my fellow administrators is immeasurable. I randomly receive texts from friends and family just checking on us, and a couple of friends message me weekly, never missing! My sister messages me all the time and emails me at work; in addition, my mom stays with us a few nights a week. The support is limitless and I'll never be able to give thanks enough. 

Today was a difficult day. Work was busy; Conner cried a few times; and I'm just worn out. But God and Mike sent me what I needed all day. 

I had one of my teachers tell me that he knew God had put me in the position of being his high school principal, a job for which he himself applied, for a reason. He told me that I am doing a great job and he knew I was put there because it was what I needed in order to focus on something other than losing Mike. 

Another teacher told me that she adores me and is so happy to come to work everyday because of the way I run our school and support my staff and students. 

A fellow administrator volunteered to supervise a ballgame so that I could have an evening off. 

Another of my teachers stopped by after our staff meeting just to check on me and see how things have been going. 

Today God put people and circumstances that I needed in my path to make it through the 9 month mark. So now, enjoy a few pictures of my life I used to love so much. 

Conner and I are making it...with the support of others and by the Grace of God. I cannot wait to tell my husband all about the wonderful people in our lives, old and new, who I know are in our lives to help us survive this. You all are awesome and loved. 

I hope by taking a look at these pictures, you are moved to tell those you love how much you love them, need them, want them, and don't know what you'd do without them. 

I love you baby and miss you with every fiber of my being. NFAxI...

#stillhis

Love, Veronica