It's Just So Hard...

It's just so hard to find joy in very much now without Mike. 

Conner and I drove into town this morning to purchase our hunting and fishing licenses and tags; I bought us both new rubber boots (dropped a small fortune) to go gigging tonight; and after a day of being depressed and doing nothing around my house, we are now in the woods waiting the arrival of a big buck. 

Doubt it happens. It's too hot. Conner is too sad but doesn't want to admit it and I'm definitely sad and miserable. How do I find joy again in the little things that were so normal and fun for us before? 

I've just been struggling so much lately. I want to cook chili for my boys while they hunt. I want to wear my camouflage and pull up my rubber boots and stand on the front of the boat as a team with my husband. He would gig from the left side and I would gig from the right. 

I want to clean house and relax while they spent the day in and out of the woods. I want to load up the cooler and the boat and join friends for a fish fry after gigging. 

But instead I do it all alone right next to my little boy, on whom I am trying my best NOT to push my sadness. I think it's a futile attempt. 

I have always hunted and gigged, but Conner has always had his dad to hunt and gig with him. Now it's just me. And I suck at it alone. I just don't feel it. I don't feel the joy it used to bring. I don't feel the joy that anything used to bring me. 

Mike brought me joy. He brought joy to all things we did together. Please don't get me wrong and think that I'm being terrible and neglectful and unappreciative of what and who I still do have. I don't mean that at all!

My son is the ONLY one who CAN and DOES bring me joy still. The only one. He is the best thing to ever happen to me. But I can't help but see his dad in him every time I look at him and that makes me miss Mike enough for both of us. I don't just miss him for me. I miss him for all the moments that should be "normal" little moments to big huge moments in his son's life. 

And that makes me so angry and sad and lonely. It sucks. And it's just so hard.