All That We Were...

Man, I miss him.
I miss all that we were for 13 years.
I am sitting on my front deck with the warmth radiating across me, but sadness still riddles my heart.

Used to on days like today I would be with him. Conner and I would find Mike wherever he was.
We would ride with him to check cows, the windows down and old country songs playing.
We would take a rare Ranger ride to the top of a hill somewhere on the farm and look across what he was trying to build for us.
We would pack a lunch and take it to him at a concrete job or at that God forsaken concrete plant.

I used to be happy. Back when we were all that we were.

My son used to be happy.

He is experiencing a ton of aggression lately. He is angry about so many things.
The loss of much of the farm builds anger inside Conner partly at his dad for leaving us unable to handle it, and partly at me for being unable to handle it.
The absence of his hero and best friend rips his guts open on an hourly basis. I'm not his dad. I'm not that rough and tough "let's go fix fence" kinda parent for him. Can I fix fence? Well yeah, but I only did it when my husband was here.
I'm not his dad. I can't be his dad and do Guy things with him all the time.
I'm not his dad. I can't tell him manly things or share those guy jokes he and his dad used to share.
I'm not his dad.
I'll never be.
And I'll never understand what it's like for my son.
I'll never know the amount of hurt he feels on a daily basis, but I do know it's excruciating.

He used to be happy.
He used to laugh and be carefree and play.
He used to love the farm and he still does, but he also hates it sometimes too because it's just not the same anymore.

All that we were was a family.

We no longer are whole.
We very rarely get to see or talk to Conner's brother. It is terribly difficult and sad. But we can't force it. So we don't. A relationship has to come naturally and I pray to God that one day it will. We love him. We miss him.

Without Mike we fell apart.

We all still fall apart.

Grief still visits like a thief in the night. It bashes us over the heart with a club and robs us of peace. It happens all the time.

I didn't know grief would still be our constant companion two years later. How naive I have been.
Grief has robbed my son of his childhood.
It has robbed both of us of a family and of happiness.

And even the simplest of moments are filled with pain and loneliness.

All that we were is gone.
And as hard as we try, we will never be the same.
We will never go back.
We will never be whole.

I miss love.
I miss being loved.
I miss romance.
I miss safety.
I miss happiness.
I miss my son's happiness.
I miss my family.

I miss all that we were.

#stillhis