A Widow's Role(S)...

Do what YOU want.
Become who YOU want to be.

It's so easy for outsiders to say.

Did you forget who you were before you were his wife? Did you lose yourself in being his wife and/or a mom? Did you fall right into your roles so happily and fully that they engulfed and became you?

Well I did all of that. I forgot about being Veronica because I was so insanely good at and happy with being Mike's Wife and Conner's Mom.

At 23, I was a divorced first-year teacher. I soon became a girlfriend.

Within two years I fell into the role of Farmer's Wife and made the best jugs of sweet tea and packages of bologna sandwiches you'd ever see. I fell into the role of Mike's Wife with grace and ease, after a few years of hard work. Everything ran like a well-oiled machine and I was happy doing it all. I fell into the role of Conner's Mom the day I learned I was pregnant with him. This role has made me the happiest of all.

So here I am all of a sudden no longer Mike's Wife. I'm no longer a Farmer's Wife. And I miss being those SO SO SO SO much.

But ladies, I can't change that. And neither can you.

We have to find our new roles, our new selves. We may have to redefine our meaning of happiness. And it's just so freaking HARD.

I don't want any of my new roles. I want my old ones back. I don't want a new man. I want mine back.

And taking on these new roles or finding yourself in these new roles is excruciating. It's like trying on a pair of leather pants, three sizes too small. Ya know, where you have to lay on the bed and have your sister use pliers to zip them?? I mean, I've never done that but have watched my mom and aunts help each other plenty of times! No leather was involved. Lol...

But it's just all so dadgum hard!

And I don't want a new man, but I also don't want to be alone forever. But you know what? The ones I've dealt with so far sure have burst my bubble pretty dang quick and easy! I get my feelings hurt so easily. I like people so easily. I am just so vulnerable and ready to feel loved and appreciated and wanted just like my husband did for me, but I just feel like what if it's not in my cards??

What if I'm SUPPOSED to stay Mike's Wife? What if I'm supposed to be his widow forever? What if he WAS my one true love and soulmate and God gave us 13 years and now I'm done? Just what if?

Ugh. Just having a little "widow whine Wednesday" I guess. I'm tired. This is all so hard and I have to buck up, grit my teeth, and clench my fists to get through because if I fall apart every time I feel like it and want to, my son suffers.

So, I will plow through until I find me. I will trudge through the hard turns God throws my way until I find my new role(S). Just know that I was blissfully happy with all my roles before. And I wish I had them still.

Much love to you...
Find YOU...I'm hoping I find ME soon.



#stillhis
Love,
Veronica