An Epic Fail...

WARNING--REALITY of widowhood post ahead. DO NOT comment statements of pity as that is NOT what I am looking for. I just need to vent and I think many people really have no idea the reality of solo life. Especially a young solo life.

Here I sit in my recliner, defeated and angry once again. I feel like I am DONE right now. D.O.N.E.

I am a mom.
My son is healthy and ornery and drives me insane but is my best blessing of all. I prayed for him. For years I prayed for the chance to be a mom. Yes, my son sometimes sends me into moments of near rage, but I would not be able to live one day without him.

I am a principal.
I have worked hard for my degrees and have had success in the education field. I have worked hard at any job I've held since I was 13 years old. I've always worked hard.

I am a widow.
A WIDOW. Wow. Not a role for which I bargained and often time I feel that I am an EPIC FAIL.

I did NOT pray for this title.
I did NOT work hard to earn it.

And I'm stuck with it!

Today I am drained. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained.

I started with an idea of what I was going to accomplish today, starting with building a dog kennel since our dog has begun wandering to the neighbors. I hate having to keep her tied so I decided she needs a pen.

Last weekend while Conner and I were riding around the farm, we stumbled upon a pile of things and found pieces for a chain link pen. What the heck?!?! I literally didn't even know we had one...or excuse me, that Michael had one. Angry at first that there was yet another thing I didn't know until after my husband died, I decided to push the anger at Michael to the side and put my newly found dog pen to good use. Not having to spend the money on a new pen was a relief.

I decided today that I would build it. I gathered, with Conner's help, the six pieces of chain link pen, fence posts to secure corners to, fence post driver which weighs a ton, wire to attach to fence posts, sledge hammer, regular hammer, and tin to cover a portion of the pen. A woman on a mission!

I loaded everything into the bed of the truck and began to unload at a spot in the yard where I could actually envision the pen and how well it would serve our dog Molly. I began working. Yep, I was gonna do it. It would be so cool to show people I did it myself.

I drove one fence post and began hammering the ends of the first piece of the chain link pen into the ground and things began to go wrong. And things continued to go wrong. I failed. I dropped everything and went to sit and cry.

I began messaging people asking for help. They all have lives and chores and jobs and families and no time for me and my ridiculous problems today. And I do not begrudge a single one of them for this!!! As a matter of fact, I am so incredibly happy that my friends have what I had almost two years ago.

My friends are such amazing people. They spend time with their children. They spend time with their spouses. They go to birthday parties and baby showers; they go watch movies together as a family; they are happily busy living their lives. Please know that I am so proud of each of you. You, the dear friends to whom I reached out today, are living the dream...my dream: a busy, happy, whole family. A husband, wife, and child(ten). I love you all...so I apologize for asking for help like I did today, but then declining invitations at other times.

I avoid birthday parties and baby showers. I am so sorry to all of you who have invited us over the past two years to your moments of celebration. But I just can't. I've tried, and I have found that I'm so focused on the absence of my husband and I look at our son and know that is exactly what he's thinking as well that I end up in tears or have to leave quickly so that I can cry on the drive home. I know that we have turned down dinner invitations or movie invitations. We have turned down just coming over to hang out.

I have also avoided attending church services often. I have such mixed emotions when I attend church and I cry, sometimes uncontrollably, every visit. I love The Lord and feel incredibly blessed and grateful for all He has given to me and to our son. But I am also sometimes so angry and sad, and sometimes it's over stupid little things like the epic fail of preparing a dog pen, that I cannot face The Lord. I feel guilty for being angry. And also we avoid it sometimes for the looks. We avoid everything and everyone sometimes because of the looks. And don't get me wrong, I know that the people who love us and care for us are only concerned for us and see that I am a different person than before. The looks mean genuine concern and I know that, BUT still it makes me feel like my absolute despair shows so loudly on my face, and I HATE that this is who I am now.

I am so incredibly sorry. But know that when I reply "I'm not feeling well", or "Conner isn't feeling well," I'm not lying. Depression, the bone aching kind, has settled into me and I can't seem to shake it off. I try. Believe me I try. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day I try.

But some days, and today is one of those days, I can't. I'm done. I can't face people or pretend one second of today. I pretend all day most days and sometimes the pretending ends up bringing me genuine laughter and genuine smiles. But many more times it is still just all forced.

So today I reached out for help again because I am an EPIC FAIL as a solo ANYTHING (and for sure as a dog pen builder) and I ended up realizing I owe so many of my family and friends an apology. To some I'm sure it seems like the only time I reach out is when I need something. I HATE being THAT person. I'm sorry. I truly am. I am grateful to each of you, whether all of our memories are old or we still try to make new ones when we have time. A few of you are still the diehard amazing people who text me regularly to check on us. Please know I want to return with all of my heart, I really do. I'm still trying and I still need your love, support, and prayers. I promise I won't be an EPIC FAIL at friendship and family, or at love and happiness forever.

I just still miss my husband and love and happiness and holding a handsome man's hand. I'm just still really sad.

Love,
Veronica