Widow Thinking...

I'm not sure about other widows, but I sometimes get in this thought pattern that is not healthy. I call it Widow Thinking. It's similar to Widow Brain (the forgetfulness and confusion that comes with this life), but worse. Widow Thinking brings the negative thoughts to the forefront, regardless how much I try to push it back down.

Yesterday kicked my tail and brought the Widow Thinking around after what had been a beautiful morning and afternoon spent in church. It doesn't make sense how Widow Thinking will just come out of nowhere and take over; it will ruin a perfectly beautiful day.

My dad just randomly showed up at our house while Conner and I were watching tv together. I haven't seen my dad in a while and was surprised to see him through the window but it was a pleasant surprise. I asked if he had time to take Conner bow-hunting and so they left soon after Dad arrived.

The house was quiet and I got in a little tv time to myself. Then Conner called because he had shot at a deer and tried to call my dad but there was no answer. I was about to start dinner but Conner needed help tracking his deer, so I pulled on my boots and headed his direction. I guess the first thing that set the Widow Thinking into action was seeing the soon-to-be new owner of most of the farm. I didn't know he was anywhere on the farm and there he was on a tractor, bushhogging the field.

I immediately became angry. I immediately felt cheated. I immediately felt guilt. I immediately felt failure. I immediately felt a gut-wrenching, aching sadness for the absence of my husband.

But as usual, I clenched my jaw and gritted my teeth as I slowed the four wheeler beside the tractor. After a minute of letting him know that Conner was hunting (the noise of the tractor would have spoiled any hunting had Conner still been in his stand), I drove toward my son's hunting spot, which isn't even his own stand. He has been using his brother's stand and we are reminded of that every conversation they have about it. I literally have forgotten a million times (Widow Brain) that it is a stand Mike and I bought Tristan some years back for Christmas. I need to buy Conner his own. That makes me angry; Mike should have bought Conner one too. Oh but that's right, he died instead.

So anyway, Conner and I began our walk through the woods and soon my dad arrived. I explained to Dad what Conner had explained to me and then on my walk back to the four wheeler, I turned to look behind me and saw two men standing by thw tractor. Neither was my husband. And that is overwhelming.

I raced home on the four wheeler, leaving Conner and my dad to track the deer, to start cooking dinner. Conner had requested deer meat from last year'a harvest. I had a good cry while at the house by myself but then Dad and Conner arrived (no deer was found). Dad began asking how things were going and I literally fell apart. It was one of those can't breathe, can't stand on my own kind of cries. My dad held me up and I let loose what I've been holding in for so long.

You see, I try my best every single day to be "strong". That's what people expect. That's what makes society feel comfortable. That's what keeps people from thinking they need to send me to an asylum. I have to be strong. For my son, for my students and staff, for my family and friends, for everyone and everything. I have so much responsibility riding on my shoulders that I don't have the time to cry. I don't have the time to stop the busyness of life or the business of life and have a complete breakdown. But sometimes against all of my own will, Widow Thinking comes in and takes over. And it doesn't matter what else is going on outside of myself, I lose control.

Widow Thinking brings guilt. I feel guilty for having to sell most of the farm. Widow Thinking brings failure. I feel like I am failing my husband exponentially by not being able to keep the 1200 acre farm (his lifelong dream) running myself. Widow Thinking brings anger. There isn't enough Internet space to list all that makes me angry anymore. Widow Thinking brings sadness unexplainable; loneliness unfathomable; longing unimaginable. And I live with Widow Thinking every single day. I just can't act like it.

No one understands unless he or she is living it. We can't explain it or will it to go away. So have patience; hug us when we have our breakdowns; listen as we rant; tell us you're so sorry. Don't tell us what you think will fix it for us; don't look at us like we're crazy; don't walk away because you aren't strong enough to handle seeing us like this. It is a part of us.

Be gentle and kind today. You never know what internal battle is being fought behind the smile.

I LOVE and miss you more than words, baby. NFAxI...
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica