I Wanted to be the One...

I wanted to be the one to write the story of my life, exactly HOW I wanted it written.  I didn't get that; it's not my job to write the story of my life. I mean sure, in some aspects I have a choice but in others, the deck is dealt by The Lord. 

There are things I wanted that I didn't get and things I still want that I'm afraid I'll never have. 

I wanted to be the one to grow old beside a man who loves me endlessly. I wanted to be the one to straighten his tie the day our son becomes a husband. I wanted to be the one who holds hands as we walk through hospital doors to greet our first grandchild. 

I wanted to be the one who rests beside him in our king size bed every night for the rest of our lives. I wanted to be the one who laughs until I cry at his silly stories. I wanted to be the one who matters most when everyone is watching or when no one is. I wanted to wake next to him every morning. 

I wanted to be the one forever. 

I'm so scared I'll never get what I want now. I'm confused as to where and how and even when I may completely move forward and away from the crippling grip of grief. 

I want to be loved endlessly again. 

I want a manly man who will not shy away from me when we are out and will place his hand on the small of my back.

I want a man who will worship the ground upon which I walk. 

I want a man who will share all of his fears and secrets with me and will protect mine when I share them with him. 

I want a man who will sweep me off my feet and tell me I'm beautiful even though I'm not. 

I want a man who doesn't have to be prompted to compliment me, whether it be for my looks, cooking skills, parenting skills, whatever. 

I want a man who will surprise me with pizza and beer. 

I want a man who will make me weak in the knees with just one kiss. 

I want a man who will accept, appreciate, and love all of my flaws and fears and insecurities. 

I want a man who will be my son's friend, but also help make sure he becomes a good man. That's one hell of an order to fill and it won't be easy. 

I want a man who will respect my son's space and time of healing as well as mine. Conner has suffered a terrible loss, one from which he will never fully recover. I want a man who will recognize that and will love Conner through it. 

I want a man who will never try to replace Mike in Conner's or my eyes. 

We both have room for another love, but the man I want will have to recognize that it's another love and that our original love for Michael will never go away. It will not be lessened. It will not be replaced. We will still have our moments of sadness and even shock I think for the rest of our lives. 

I don't want a new man to feel threatened by this unending love we both have for Mike. There is no threat. It will not overshadow our new love when it comes; it will just be shared. We will be shared. Conner's and my heart will always belong to Michael; however, there is so much love in there that our hearts will just need to be shared and can belong to someone new as well.

I want a man who will be ok with that. 

Tonight is quiet. I am outside in my chair where I spent so much time last year. In just a few short days my husband will have been gone for 18 months. I don't know how and I don't know why. Quiet, desperately lonely nights like tonight bring back the floodwaters and I just can't help but think how much I would give to be the one who is completely happy, safe, loved, unscathed, appreciated, respected, wanted, adored, and at peace.  

I love you Michael, and I'm trying my best to open my heart and share it. But I'm scared. 

Sweet dreams, World. Wrap your arms around your family. Don't breathe one more breath without "I love you" in the mix. Trust me...Mike and I never let an opportunity pass us by. For that I am grateful but it sure does make these quiet nights more lonely. 

Lord, I'm so beyond ready to be the one who has all she wants and deserves