I remember when he was born and I watched your eyes shine when you came back into the room very proudly telling his weight and length. You smiled but also looked at him like you knew this was huge. You had two sons. Two boys who you would be responsible for. Two boys who one day would have to go out into this big huge world and survive whatever life threw at them, and all they might have would be what you and I had taught them.
We didn't get to teach them all we wanted to together. But life and it's endless undulation has taught them plenty. I have written another letter to Conner from you and I imagine this is what you would say:
Dear Conman,
Hey, son!!! My gosh I miss you! You are getting so tall it's crazy! I can see it all the way up here!
I'm so proud of you and how sixth grade ended. You're so smart, Conner. Gosh you are. And that's cool how you got the PE Award! I saw mom smiling huge on that one...I think she was a little surprised since you don't do too much PE at home...hahaha... But that's ok; you will one day.
Hey, I wanna tell you a few things bub that I may have written before, but I know they can't ever be said too much. I'm sorry more than anything that I can't be there with you today, Conner. I know it's Father's Day and it stinks that I can't be there with you and your brother, but know that I love you with all my heart all the way from up here. I know momma is actually really hoping you don't know what day it is, but she's scared you do with all those stinkin' commercials they've been playing. Be gentle with her today. Today is just as hard on her, or maybe even more so, than it is on you.
Son, I'm sorry I'm not there to help mom finish raising you. I know she feels like a failure most of the time and is scared to death she's messing up. I know she hurts so much still on the inside but doesn't show it as often as she did. That doesn't mean it's not still there because it very much is, but she feels like she has to hide it or people will think she's crazy. And she knows the more she gets upset openly, the more it bothers you.
Your mom is dealing with more than any one single person should, especially her. She doesn't deserve any of this, so please try hard son to be a good boy. Listen. Stop arguing. Do what she asks the first time. Help without being told to. She's so broken, son. Be gentle.
I miss you so much, Conner. I'm sorry I worked too much and didn't do as much stuff with you as I should have. Man, that was stupid. I would give anything to be with you guys right now. I'd definitely not be working today, well yeah, maybe in the hayfield but I'd quit before dark no matter what. The hay would still be there.
You know, mom and I thought about selling everything years ago and moving to Columbia where the MRWA office is. Did you know that? I thought about just selling out and living a normal life in just a house with a yard and not worry if about being a farmer. I could have taken over the boss of MRWA when the time came and just lived way less stressful. But I was too hard headed. I though I could get it all done and you and your brother would have my dream farm. And now? I can't even think about it because all that farm has done is break yours and your momma's hearts. All it's done is add an enormous load to your momma's shoulders and I can't fix it. But, I can't do anything about it now. I just hope and pray you guys know I love you.
Conner, I know you've met a new friend, mom's new friend. I want you to know that I am so proud of you for being nice to him. Buddy, he and mom might not stay together forever, and I promise you he isn't in any way ever gonna try to be me. But to see the way he pays attention to you and does stuff with you makes me smile. Thank you for being nice to him. I know mom was worried about that. And like I said, they're just dating and it's new still, so that doesn't mean they're necessarily gonna be together forever. You guys will just have to see how that goes together. I know mom is scared but she's taking it slow and steady for both of your hearts, so I know she's making the right decisions. And he's a nice guy and I'm so proud of you for being nice back to him. It's ok to like him, bub, it's ok to want to hang out with him. I'm so proud of you for taking that step with momma.
Son, I want you to not be afraid to laugh and smile again after all this. I'm so glad you've gotten that cute little chuckle, like mine, back. I'm glad you laugh more now than you cry. I'm so proud of you.
Please hug momma for me today and tell her how much you love her. You know she's your dad and your mom now, so remember she's playing both. She doesn't get a break or help or someone to make the big decisions with, so keep that in mind. Love her double for me.
I gotta go buddy. I miss you so much Conner and wish I could wrap my arms around you so tight. You have a good day and be good! I love you more than anything.
Love, Dad
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