I have never been one to want sympathy from anyone about anything. Life is what it is and I can only be happy when I choose to be happy. I have experienced so many things in life that have rocked my world, but losing Mike and realizing anew everyday that I am doing this alone has rocked me beyond any measure and I wonder if I'll ever get my bearings. I need my husband to hold me and tell me it will all be ok.
There are so many new things I am facing since widowhood began and I feel like I'm facing them all alone. I know that my family and friends are here to support me, but ultimately no one can do any of it for me. I have to walk this journey alone.
I am dealing with financial issues all alone that never even crossed my mind in the beginning and they scare me to death. I am afraid when it is all said and done, that I will have very little and will live paycheck to paycheck. But at least I know that I do have a great job that I absolutely love and feel grateful beyond measure to God, my superintendent, my board, and my co-workers and staff. I can tell you that they make the days of being alone so much better while I'm at work. They support me and make me feel like I've always been there. They make me feel like we are a true team and that this is exactly where I am supposed to be career wise. This career move also helps me make it through the financial strain with a paycheck that I will never take for granted. I pray thanks to God every night for bringing me to this job.
In all of the money issues I face, even if I end up walking away from my whole situation with only my son and my home, that will be more than enough. The rest just will have to be what it will be. God knew what Mike and I wanted; He knows how Mike felt all these years about the farm and about our plans and goals together that no one else knew and I feel that He has brought me this far, and that he will not forsake us now.
I am also facing holidays alone, craving my husband just to talk to and to wake up next to. Thanksgiving was difficult enough, but I really dread Christmas. Our tradition had always been to spend Christmas Eve with my side of the family. We used to have breakfast at my dad's then join my mom in the evening for dinner and gifts. Christmas morning we would awaken to share gifts with each other and then wait for Tristan to arrive so that we could share the morning with both boys. We would sit beside each other on one side of the living room and the boys would sit beside each other on the other side. I would video them opening their gifts, as they each took turns. Mike would always place his hand on my back or on my shoulders and would play with my hair.
After the boys opened their gifts, and we opened ours from them (which actually meant I bought Mike's from the boys and he bought mine from the boys), the day was spent relaxing and watching the boys playing with their new gifts. Mike would check and feed cows and I would ride with him most years, but then he would mostly spend the day resting, watching TV, watching the boys play, and snuggling with me on the couch. That evening we would go to Mike's mom's for our final Christmas dinner and would sit beside each other on the couch while we watched again.
I miss his hand on my back, playing with my hair. I miss him sitting beside me, stealing a kiss every now and then. I miss how relaxed he was during the day, not worrying about work. I miss his laugh and his smile as he would ask the boys to show him their gifts. He would say, "Oh cool! What's that? Let me see!" It didn't matter that he already knew what the gifts were, he still acted so surprised and impressed with each one.
Now, I will sit alone on the couch. I will watch my son open his gifts while it's just us. I will not feel my husband's hand on my back; I will not hear his laugh or see his shining smile. I will not get to snuggle beside him on the couch, or ride around checking and feeding the cows, sitting close beside him in the truck. I will not get dressed up to try and look good for him, no matter where we go. I will not get lost in his eyes just like I did every day for 13 years. I will do it alone. And it makes me sick to my stomach to know.
They say the first year is the hardest. I sure hope whoever "they" are...are right. I just don't know though how time will make his absence any less painful. I don't know how my life will ever seem "real" without Mike. I am trying my best to put one foot in front of the other and to keep my mind focused on making a better and easier life for my son and me, but some days just wear me out.
I will never stop loving you, Michael. I will miss you at Christmas just like I miss you every day.
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
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