I thought that this vast emptiness inside the depths of my soul would be filled with new memories made with our son this year. I thought that maybe I could genuinely smile and laugh and begin to live again. But it's not filled because each new memory made still has a tinge of sadness because you're not here. And my laughs and smiles have not been genuine, but have rather been forced and oftentimes faked.
I'm still not angry with you, even though you broke your promises to love me forever and to grow old with me when you left. You promised to sit on our front porch and watch our grandkids play in the front yard one day. You promised to want me forever; to kiss me every day and to hold me close when I needed you to. I just wish I could have you back. I felt safe and loved and wanted and needed because of you. Now I feel scared and vulnerable and weak and lonely because of your absence.
They say that time is supposed to heal everything but this first year has offered no healing. I am forever burdened with sounds and images of that day. It's like someone has taken a brand and permanently scarred them into my heart and mind.
I mean every single detail of that day and the days between your leaving and your funeral, are ridiculously fresh in my mind. It's as though they happen all over again each new day and I'm so tired from them. I'm writing this at 3:00 a.m. I can never sleep without taking a sleep aide. I dream of you and of December 29, 2014, and of January 1, 2015. Conner had it right last year when he said that December 29 when we lost you marked the worst day of his life, and that January 1 when we lowered you into the cold ground and said our final goodbyes marked the hardest.
I fear that I'll never learn to love again. Part of me never wants to because it's almost as if I feel that by loving someone else I'll be cheating on you...on us. I fear that I'll maybe start to like someone but will be too scared to really like him because he won't be you. And no one but a widow understands this feeling. I know of widows who have moved on to dating someone within just a few short months of her husband's passing, but I couldn't do that. It's not that I am judging those widows who do move on quickly, but that I'm judging myself and my own lack of strength. It would be nice sometimes to laugh and flirt with someone, to go out to dinner and a movie, or to a ballgame. But everything I did for 13 years surrounded you. How am I supposed to do these things with someone new when I've done them all with you and am not ready to let you go? It's so scary.
But dating again isn't as scary as raising our son alone. I don't even care about the dating thing and if it ever shows up. But raising our son well all by myself...well that keeps me awake some nights. I always had you to fall back on, to bounce ideas off of, to be the final straw when Conner was acting up. I would send him for a day on the farm with you and he would have so much fun and I would get a moment's peace...even though I missed him the entire day! But, what if I screw up somehow? What if I haven't taken him to counseling enough? What if my punishments are too harsh? What if they aren't harsh enough? What if I've coddled him too much since losing you? What if I start dating someone again and Conner doesn't like him? Ugh...there are too many "what ifs" in single parenting and they scare me to death! I don't want to permanently screw up our kid. But, I guess it will be what it will be and I will just keep trying to do my best. I pray to God to protect our boy and to keep him safe, healthy, and happy every day. I pray strength over him so that he can grow into a fine young man who is kind, hard working, generous, loving, affectionate, passionate, smart, gentle, and humble.
I want to go lay beside you when the 29th gets here. I know that day is going to be hard on Conner when he wakes, so I won't be able to, but I desperately want to. I want to take a sleeping bag and a pillow and just lay beside you. I don't want to talk to anyone; I don't want anyone to join me. I want to just lay there and maybe fall asleep with my hand on your tombstone, so that it's almost as if I'm resting my hand on your chest like I used to. I don't know if family will come over that day. I don't know if they will all try to occupy our minds and fill our day with something "fun". I don't want them to and it's nothing against them. I don't want them to make me laugh or come over. I love them each and every one with every depth of my heart, but I want to be alone more often now. I don't want to rise from bed, or go outside other than to come lay beside you. I don't want to get dressed, but want to go to you in my pajamas and sleeping bag and just rest next to you. But I can't. I can't leave Conner when the day arrives and be selfish and have my moment. I can't because he suffers every time he sees me torn down. And having to hold it all in is so difficult.
I often find myself calling my sister to have a break down. I know it makes her worse because of my breakdowns, but I feel that I have no one else to call. Many friends offer, yes, and that is amazing and wonderful, but I do not want to burden my friends with that. I know it makes a heavy load for my sister to bear and she has carried it for the past year for me. She has sacrificed sleep and peace to listen to me sob endlessly into the phone. You would be proud of her, babe.
Just last night I had to call and have a meltdown but she was sleeping, so I unloaded on Merlyn. Everyone in our family misses you. Everyone. You were such a strong spirit. You had such strong character and beliefs and even though you sometimes forced them onto people who didn't want to accept them willingly, lol..., no one can deny that you had purpose. Every day you had purpose and even if we didn't always agree to your methods for reaching that purpose, we all revered you because of it.
Because of your purpose, drive, and work ethic, I decided to create a scholarship to honor you baby. I have been thinking about it for a while, and decided with the upcoming mark of one year without you, I would just dive in feet first. I posted it in the newspaper; had your boss post with all MRWA communications; and had Amy share it on Facebook. I opened an account at the bank for family and friends to donate to and created a scholarship application form to give to both of our county schools. I talked with your mom about helping select winners and I think she was very honored. I hope to honor the scholarships for as long as I live and maybe Conner will take it over when I'm gone. Or Reagan, or Alyssa...someone I hope will continue the tradition once we establish it. I hope that you smiled when people read it in the paper today. I hope you are proud of me for trying to keep your legacy alive.
I fear that I'll never learn to love again. Part of me never wants to because it's almost as if I feel that by loving someone else I'll be cheating on you...on us. I fear that I'll maybe start to like someone but will be too scared to really like him because he won't be you. And no one but a widow understands this feeling. I know of widows who have moved on to dating someone within just a few short months of her husband's passing, but I couldn't do that. It's not that I am judging those widows who do move on quickly, but that I'm judging myself and my own lack of strength. It would be nice sometimes to laugh and flirt with someone, to go out to dinner and a movie, or to a ballgame. But everything I did for 13 years surrounded you. How am I supposed to do these things with someone new when I've done them all with you and am not ready to let you go? It's so scary.
But dating again isn't as scary as raising our son alone. I don't even care about the dating thing and if it ever shows up. But raising our son well all by myself...well that keeps me awake some nights. I always had you to fall back on, to bounce ideas off of, to be the final straw when Conner was acting up. I would send him for a day on the farm with you and he would have so much fun and I would get a moment's peace...even though I missed him the entire day! But, what if I screw up somehow? What if I haven't taken him to counseling enough? What if my punishments are too harsh? What if they aren't harsh enough? What if I've coddled him too much since losing you? What if I start dating someone again and Conner doesn't like him? Ugh...there are too many "what ifs" in single parenting and they scare me to death! I don't want to permanently screw up our kid. But, I guess it will be what it will be and I will just keep trying to do my best. I pray to God to protect our boy and to keep him safe, healthy, and happy every day. I pray strength over him so that he can grow into a fine young man who is kind, hard working, generous, loving, affectionate, passionate, smart, gentle, and humble.
I want to go lay beside you when the 29th gets here. I know that day is going to be hard on Conner when he wakes, so I won't be able to, but I desperately want to. I want to take a sleeping bag and a pillow and just lay beside you. I don't want to talk to anyone; I don't want anyone to join me. I want to just lay there and maybe fall asleep with my hand on your tombstone, so that it's almost as if I'm resting my hand on your chest like I used to. I don't know if family will come over that day. I don't know if they will all try to occupy our minds and fill our day with something "fun". I don't want them to and it's nothing against them. I don't want them to make me laugh or come over. I love them each and every one with every depth of my heart, but I want to be alone more often now. I don't want to rise from bed, or go outside other than to come lay beside you. I don't want to get dressed, but want to go to you in my pajamas and sleeping bag and just rest next to you. But I can't. I can't leave Conner when the day arrives and be selfish and have my moment. I can't because he suffers every time he sees me torn down. And having to hold it all in is so difficult.
I often find myself calling my sister to have a break down. I know it makes her worse because of my breakdowns, but I feel that I have no one else to call. Many friends offer, yes, and that is amazing and wonderful, but I do not want to burden my friends with that. I know it makes a heavy load for my sister to bear and she has carried it for the past year for me. She has sacrificed sleep and peace to listen to me sob endlessly into the phone. You would be proud of her, babe.
Just last night I had to call and have a meltdown but she was sleeping, so I unloaded on Merlyn. Everyone in our family misses you. Everyone. You were such a strong spirit. You had such strong character and beliefs and even though you sometimes forced them onto people who didn't want to accept them willingly, lol..., no one can deny that you had purpose. Every day you had purpose and even if we didn't always agree to your methods for reaching that purpose, we all revered you because of it.
Because of your purpose, drive, and work ethic, I decided to create a scholarship to honor you baby. I have been thinking about it for a while, and decided with the upcoming mark of one year without you, I would just dive in feet first. I posted it in the newspaper; had your boss post with all MRWA communications; and had Amy share it on Facebook. I opened an account at the bank for family and friends to donate to and created a scholarship application form to give to both of our county schools. I talked with your mom about helping select winners and I think she was very honored. I hope to honor the scholarships for as long as I live and maybe Conner will take it over when I'm gone. Or Reagan, or Alyssa...someone I hope will continue the tradition once we establish it. I hope that you smiled when people read it in the paper today. I hope you are proud of me for trying to keep your legacy alive.
I just can't believe you're gone and it is so surreal for me to actually say out loud that I've been alone for a full year. The longest I had ever been alone before you left was between my divorce and our beginning. That was only a few short months. I haven't been held or kissed, or had someone whisper he loves me. I haven't been smuggled next to on the couch or flirted with. I haven't gotten silly, cute texts to keep me smiling through the whole day. I haven't been loved in return and that's so hard. I still love you. Every minute of the day and with every ounce of my being, I still love you. It's so weird to not have it returned to me. My gosh, I miss my husband.
I love you more than words and NFAxI...
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
I love you more than words and NFAxI...
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
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