Let's recap this week shall we? It's been ridiculous and it all started with my 37th birthday on Sunday (refer to the post on July 26). Well following a week full of crying that led up to my birthday, not much has improved. In fact, you might say this week went worse.
Monday I had to take my truck to the body shop because three weeks ago I sideswiped our front gate (the wagon wheel on the side) that I had told my husband from the beginning would happen eventually. We have metal wagon wheels on either side of the entrance gate to our farm and people have hit them over the years. Those people include my husband. But I had made it all these years without. Mike knew they were too close and meant to move them but he never got around to it. There are lots of things here that he never got around to.
After we delivered my messed up truck to the body shop we decided to go to my new school so that I could clean out my filing cabinet for a fresh start. I failed to remember until we had no other options that the air conditioner in Mike's truck does not work. So, we rolled the windows down and drove to school, arriving wet with sweat and with my hair very unkempt! We worked, no excuse me...I worked (he made paper airplanes) a half day and we drove back home in 95+ degree temps with the windows down and our moods lessening in happiness all the while.
By the time we arrived home every inch of my body was literally dripping with sweat (can't help it but I sweat like a man). I made arrangements for Mike's brother to work on the truck and arranged for Mike's best friend to meet me at the shop and take me to one of Mike's other farm trucks.
This other farm truck has been stored at Mike's best friend's (Ron) shop and SUPPOSEDLY had working AC. Notice how I used all caps there? Yeah. No AC. We didn't know this until we started it and let it run a while in hopes the air would cool off. It did not.
So, option #3 was one of Ron's farm trucks WITH air. Yes, I know it appears that I am a spoiled brat with third world problems because I wanted a vehicle to drive for the week with air conditioning. Maybe I am a spoiled brat in that sense but seriously, in the grand scheme of my life right now--I think I'm entitled to a little air conditioning.
So, I drove Ron's huge Ford heavy duty truck with a Do-Eze bed (I think that's the spelling...you know the truck beds that have hay spikes on the sides allowing the driver to haul hay bales). This truck is huge. Like ridiculously huge. Very nice on the inside however; Conner loved it and said it looked like a Transformer truck! It made a random noise at one point and Conner was like, "woah...Mom...what if it transforms with us in it?"
"Ha...that'd be cool," I replied and we grinned.
I wanted to limit the driving of Ron's truck for its sheer size and I really didn't want to have to buy a bunch of gas for this truck that probably gets about 12 MPG.
So, when Tuesday rolled around and I had to go to another court hearing for the estate (which makes me nauseous every time), I asked Mom to come up and we would cook some freezer meals then I would drive her car to court.
We cooked all morning and one of the workers from MRWA, Billy, a close friend of Mike's in the association, stopped by to deliver honey from the Florida Rural Water guys. Mike got to know them several years ago and he went deep sea fishing with them and they even came to our old farm and deer hunted. So, Billy visited a couple of hours and while there told me about how the association just hasn't been able to find anyone who will ever come close to replacing my husband. I knew that. Mike is irreplaceable. Both in a professional capacity for the association (he was CRAZY smart) and in a personal capacity because he always made people feel important and listened to and comfortable. Let's say he was a social butterfly and that definitely helped in his career with MRWA. I of course cried at the discussion of my husband and how incredible he was. I hate talking about him in past tense.
So, luckily court went well and by the time I got home I was so exhausted from worry prior to court that I rested a while on the couch.
Wednesday began not too bad. I was helping my mom babysit my niece Reagan while my sister took my other niece Alyssa to the dentist. I don't get to see the girls very often now that we are all gearing up to return to school (my sister and brother in law also work in education). So all is well, except it marked 7 months without Mike. Mentally it was there all morning but I had decided I was going to make the most of my time with Reagan. However, my son had different plans.
At around 1:00 I hear a blood curdling scream from outside on the deck and long story short, Conner broke his left arm. So, we ended up rushing to our local clinic for x-Rays to confirm my suspicion, (had to drive the transformer truck because mom had to go to work). Conner was in incredible pain and was very scared but I kept it together well. I was actually proud of myself but I promise you that did not assuage my longing to have my husband with me. I needed him and wanted him. Conner needed him and wanted him.
So we made it through that day and the night was very restless for us both. He tried to sleep but when the pain would return he would whimper and whine in his sleep. It was a short night.
Thursday morning we rose fairly early and one of my best friends, Amy, drove us to Cape to an orthopedic doctor. Luckily Conner did not break a growth plate or require surgery. He is in the coolest looking camouflage cast for hopefully a maximum of 20 days.
He is smiling in this photo but just barely. It really hurts badly because he broke the bone completely through about an inch behind his left wrist. His daddy should be here for this first broken bone. He was here for his first stitches from a bike wreck 2 summers ago.
I did get Mike's truck back yesterday with semi-working AC and returned Ron's transformer truck. Tristan came up to hang with Conner a while and show us his new truck, which is beautiful. I told him that his dad would be really jealous of the two of us because our trucks are almost twins, but Tristan's is blue. It was SO good to see him and to have him here if even only for a couple of hours. I sent him a text to thank him for coming. He said it was no big deal. I told him that it was to us because I couldn't stand losing his dad and him too. For 13 years I was a part of Tristan's life and it kills a part of me every day that I don't see him as often as I did. But it was a great evening and Conner had an absolute blast with his bubby!
Now this leads us to today, Friday.
I had to attend a law seminar in Cape this morning so was up bright and early to leave by 6:00 am. Finally made it home late this afternoon, picked up my truck from body shop, mowed my lawn, and retrieved my sister's mower from our dad's house...all just in time to partake in a hot bath and post before going to bed.
The ride home from Dad's became emotional. The week has caught up with me and I miss my husband terribly. I need his strength and comfort, his love and affection, his reassurance, his hand to hold, his lips to kiss, his eyes to look into while they melt me. But instead his little boy and I drove almost in silence because it was hitting us both.
Every country song that played through the speakers tonight reminded me of our story and of our love. The moon is shining beautifully and fully and I would give anything to be back in his old 'Yota in the middle of a hayfield, parked, kissing and holding hands just listening to the radio and talking of our future together. A future that was taken away from all of us.
It sucks. Plain and simple--this sucks. Being alone sucks. Missing my husband and literally craving him in the most simplest and innocent form sucks.
So that has been my week and I am glad it is Friday. Maybe tomorrow will bring some blessings and maybe Sunday will be even better.
Hold on tight folks to whoever you love. One day you will reach out for them and there will only be emptiness. Emptiness so vast that it cannot be measured or contained. Trust me, I know.
I love you and miss you more than words baby.
NFAxI...
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
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