I have never been overly fond of unexpected guests. It never fails that laundry is piled in the floor, dishes litter the sink, my hair is unkempt and my clothes are askew when I'll hear a knock at the door.
Now, when my husband and I were just dating, he paid me a couple of surprise visits but those were the BEST!!!! Twice he ended up pulling a smooth one early on in our relationship and arrived at my doorstep with beer, pizza, and a devilish grin that melted me. At first I was afraid of what he would think with laundry in piles, dishes littering the sink, my hair completely amuck and my huge bath robe covering my old pajamas. But he loved me for everything. So his surprise visits always made me happy.
These surprise visits from grief kick my butt and exhaust me. And quite frankly, I'm sick of them on one hand...but then on the other hand, I'm scared to let them go. I'm scared to lock the door and keep them shut out for fear that they'll only build momentum and worsen as time passes. So, I open the door and against my own will, I let them in.
Today has been another rough day. I tried to move cows this morning and they decided NOT to cooperate. Conner noticed our utility room floor was wet and we discovered that our freezer was apparently having a meltdown of some sort so it was literally thawing much of our frozen food. I tried taking a nap to forget about all the morning's aggravation, but sleep would not come; my mind was focused on my uncooperative cattle and freezer.
So, I decided to clean. I vacuumed, picked up loose toys, started a load of laundry, and then moved to Mike's office. Conner has created a mess on the spare desk in Mike's office and over the last 8 months it has grown exponentially.
I was rearranging things and had forgotten what one of the plastic tubs held. I opened it to find hunting gear. Camo and orange littered the tub. I pulled Mike's vest from the top of the pile, buried my face and breathed in deeply. It was him. I could smell him and hear him and see him and feel him for just a brief second.
That brief second crushed my soul. I began sobbing uncontrollably and sat in the office floor where I had sat with my husband many times over the years, just talking and laughing. I held onto that vest and watched tears fall to the floor. I was broken all over again. Reminded of the love we once had that I will never have again.
The rest of the day has been spent just going through the motions. We were invited to our best friends', the Griffins, son's birthday. Conner has been distracted and has had a blast in their pool. He is oblivious to my meltdown today. He is having fun.
That's what is important. I have to keep these unexpected visits from grief to a minimum in front of my little boy. I have to pretend. But that's ok...if it protects him, then I'll keep as many of these visits to myself.
I can't wait to see you again, my love. We sure did make a great team. I love you more than words...and miss you even more than that...
NFAxI...
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
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