The breezes have begun gently blowing across the valleys and atop the hills. The mornings and evenings are cool enough for blue jeans and a tee shirt, even requiring a flannel or denim shirt of my husband's at some points. In the distance Conner and I can see a few leaves beginning to turn colors. Fall is just around the corner and it has always been my favorite season.
This fall though has my stomach in knots. Fall was always when we had Mike the most. He took off work early for opening night of gigging season and even took of an entire week for deer season.
I made crockpots full of chili or stew. I made a thermos of hot chocolate for our boys and one of coffee for my husband. We rode around in the cool temperatures and looked at the beauty that was displayed before us on this farm my husband fell in love with as a little boy. And now my little boy has fallen in love with it.
And our hearts are broken because we don't have Mike here with us. This farm is beyond beautiful. He built it. He made it what it is. He cleaned and dozed and burned and built up and tore down and made this place a farm to be envied. And now I look at it and in every hilltop and valley, in every tree and wildflower, in every dip and curve of the land, my husband's legacy lives on.
We lost him in winter and it will be here before I know it. I'm not ready for the seasons to change.
I'm also not ready for my life to change seasons. But it has.
I am a widow.
I am not the young 23 year old girl my husband married. I am not the young teacher who was just beginning her career when this handsome man swept her off her feet. I am not a brand new mom, scared to death she won't do something right during feeding time. I am not the new stepmom worried if her stepson will like her.
Instead I am a 37 year old widow. I am a veteran teacher and a new administrator. I have been a mom for 11 years and now I'm scared to death I don't do anything right with my son. I still call Tristan my stepson but wonder if he refers to me as his stepmom.
Not only has my life changed, but I have changed.
I don't talk a lot anymore. I don't laugh very often. I cry ALL of the time. I feel nervous about every step I take. I don't sing as often as I used to. I dread singing in church when I used to love it. I dread it for fear of crying during one of my favorite songs. I sit in silence so often when I used to constantly want noise, whether from the tv or radio.
I'm in a new season of life and I don't know what to do.
Some of my friends and family want me to date again. When I'm ready, they say. I think some of them wish I was ready today. Finding a new relationship might be what it takes to move on and heal, they say. Will I ever be ready? I mean seriously, will my heart EVER not feel like it belongs to him???
I am so broken still. I am so lonely and cry every single day that I don't think I'll ever be ready. My heart is weakened. I don't know that it can handle someone new, or more so if it can handle someone PLUS the love I will carry forever for my husband. How is that fair? How can I still hold such endless love for Mike and then laugh and flirt and have fun with someone new?
Don't get me wrong--sometimes I want to. Sometimes I want to be flirted with, to be made to feel beautiful again, to hold someone's hand, to really laugh and be happy. But all I ever see when I think of that again isn't someone new...it's always Mike. Always.
Sometimes I want to make myself be ready. Sometimes I want to force myself to take that guy's number from my sister, or have a friend set me up with a blind date. Sometimes I want to dress up and go out just for dinner and a movie with a man who puts his hand on the small of my back as he leads me to our seats. Sometimes I want to put my Cardinals jersey on and drive to StL for a game and a beer with a man who wants to do the same.
But the ONLY reason I want to do all this is because I did it all with my husband for 13 years and I miss it so much. All of it. All of him.
I really don't know if I could be fair to another man, to give him a clean slate and not expect or want Mike in return. Maybe one day I will. I hope that one day I will so that my son can see his mom happy again. I try so hard to stay so strong in front of him but I fail miserably daily. It hurts him.
So with the seasons changing on our farm, I guess I also have to accept that the season is changing in my life. I only pray that God sees me through it.
Until we meet again baby, I will love you Npw, Forever, and Always times Infinity.
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica
I keep you in my daily prayers. Give yourself plenty of time and seek God's will. He knows exactly what you are going through and loves you more than anyone. Keep seeking His wisdom and strength. Stay close to Him.
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