A while back I wrote a letter from Heaven to our little boy and so many people read that and reached out to me. So many friends and family told me that it sounded unbearably like Mike had written the letter himself. That's how well I knew my husband. My gosh how I miss him. Every day. It's not getting any easier. I know it's still early on; I know the road ahead is a very long one paved with some valleys and mountains, some seemingly smoother riding with a few potholes to surprise us. I know all this, yet it doesn't help. There are so many things I want to say to Mike. So, for this post I decided to write a letter to him. It is probably the first of many.
Dear Babe,
I wonder where are you right now. I wonder what you're doing. I hope you are sitting on that sunny hillside I keep seeing you on, talking with your dad, smiling, laughing, not thinking for one second about anything sad or the fact that you're not with us.
I hope that your hair is dark and "salt" free since you liked it that way. I hope you are constantly smiling and laughing and full of energy. I hope and pray you don't see our hearts breaking every single day. I guess I KNOW you don't...but I still pray for that. It doesn't matter what my faith tells me. I worry about you. I worried about you every day here on Earth and I guess part of me worries about you still. I know it's stupid because I know our God has you wrapped in His love and that you are well. You are happy. You're not tired; you're not working; you're not in any pain or under any stress. You don't see the tears I cry. You're perfect.
Bu, there are so many things I say to you over and over every day. I hope that you can hear me.
You know I was so proud of you right? In the beginning I was proud to be seen with you. You were the most handsome man I had ever known. Your smile stole the room. I miss your eyes and how they sparkled and teased between greens and browns. Your laugh was contagious and made everything fun. I remember how you would throw your head back and clap your hands when something was really funny.
As time grew, I became proud of you for so many more reasons than just because you were the hottest man I'd ever known! ;)
I was so proud to be your wife. Yours. You, the hardest working man in my world. I've tasted that work just a tad these past few months, and really these past couple of weeks since being out of school. The other day as I was spraying electric fence rows with weed killer in the 95 degree sun, I cried. I cried out of guilt. I began beating myself up for not doing that for you. I feel guilty that there were so many more things I obviously could have done for you and with you on the farm or with the concrete business, but when you were here you would always tell me not to do so much for fear of making me sick or hurting me. You protected me from the difficult work that sometimes became dangerous. I took care of our son, of the house, of the yard, and things of that nature and you did the farm work. I only helped some and rode along more often.
I hate that I wasn't there for you more. I feel like if maybe I had been, then you would not have had to work so hard so much.
I was also proud because you were so incredibly smart. I remember when we first began dating and you had only been working for MRWA about a year. You taught for them part of the time; your classes helped so many people become certified to operate water and wastewater plants that I don't think while you were here, you even realized your reach. I remember when you would show me some of the math and science formulas for your classes. The first time I was like, "oh my gosh...you know how to do that?" NOT because I doubted your ability or intelligence, but because I could NOT do that! You said, "Well did you just think I was stupid since I worked for the city? Did you just think I rode around in the truck all day?" Ha! No, that is not what I thought! Ever. You were amazing. You were amazing at what you did, whether it was farming or teaching, or making me fall in love with you.
I'm still proud to be your wife. I hope you know that. I miss you, ya know? We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. We finally got it right with each other. You were my forever and I was yours. We sure were making it, weren't we? We sure were doing great.
I dream of you often. It's so incredibly real it hurts. When I wake I catch my breath and often times am crying. I can't go back to sleep from those dreams. I hear your voice too. I have your outgoing voicemail message saved on my phone, but I haven't listened in a while. I hear you clearly in my dreams. One dream I had repeatedly a few nights was that you came home. You came home and we had just been going through a separation for these few months and you were ready to come back home. You had realized what you had here and weren't ready to live without it. I hate that dream. It's not fair.
I fell in love with you quickly. You fell in love with me just the same. I actually made you say it first because I thought you would think I was crazy to fall that fast. You were so sweet and affectionate and sincere. You were my soul mate.
There is a song by Joey and Rory, a very "country" couple whose music I fell in love with years ago. This song is us, perfectly. I will be your wife until the day I die. It's titled "Born to Be Your Woman". I hope you hear me singing it to you sometimes.
I found something on Pinterest (go figure) and it reads: "I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you and then I realized...you spent the rest of your life with me. I smile because I know you loved me till the day you went away. And will keep loving me till the day we're together again." I cannot wait to see you again someday. You better have your feet planted firmly on that Heavenly ground because I am going to come running! I am going to wrap my arms around your neck and kiss you until I can't kiss you anymore. I'm going to smile and cry and yell in delight.
I have to go for now, as it's late and our little boy is missing you. He just told me he wishes you could come home. So do I.
I love you more than words baby, Now, Forever and Always times Infinity.
I will forever be yours. And that's the beauty of our love as well...you will forever be mine.
Love,
Veronica
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