I've written a few posts as I imagined Mike would have said. Those have received much attention because my family and friends who read them say they sounded exactly like Mike. I feel in my heart that if he could talk to our son today, this is what he would say.
Merry Christmas! I'm so sorry I can't be there with you today. I know it's hard and I know it hurts, but you have so many people surrounding you who love you, bub.
I watched you open your presents last night at Grandma Jackie's. That Furious 7 car looks pretty cool! I could see how fast it went all the way from up here! I saw how big you're getting too, and grown up.
I can't believe how much you've grown in a year. It's crazy! I saw how grown up you where when your mom cried last night too, son. I'm sorry about that. I know momma is trying so hard to keep everything together, but she just couldn't quit thinking about all our Christmases we had and it was just too much for her.
I know sometimes you worry that she'll never be ok again, that she'll never be really happy again. She will. In time. You just need to be patient with her, Con. Ok? For dad? She's got more on her plate than any woman should and I get mad at myself for leaving it all on her shoulders.
I loved your mom so much when I was there. I would do anything to be able to take away her pain, to make things easier with money and the lawyers and all that junk. If I can tell you anything about all this mess bub, it's to learn from daddy's mistakes. No matter what you want out of life, you make darn sure your family will be taken care of if anything was to happen to you. You understand? Don't you ever forget that either.
But hey, enough of all that sad stuff. Let me tell you about Christmas in Heaven!
It is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, well besides you and your brother. The angels sing all the time and it is music like I've never heard. There is a huge tree in the middle of a golden street and it's all lit up with lights as bright as the stars! There are no presents of course, but there is just sunshine and warmth and all the happy memories of our favorite Christmases on Earth.
I just can't even describe how much peace there is up here, son. I just smile all the time! I'm warm and covered in sunshine all day long. I'm so young and handsome, if I do say so myself. Hahaha. I feel so good it's crazy! I'm just happy.
One day you'll know how it feels up here. One day, a long time from now in your time, but it'll seem like a minute to me, you'll come and see Heaven too. You'll hear the angels singing, and feel the sunshine wash all over you. You'll skip around like a little boy. I think that's how I'll get to see you when you come. I think you'll be my little boy when you come and we won't ever even know we were apart. It'll be just like I went to work for a bit and came back home.
But for now, you have to live. Live a life full of love, Conner. Don't hold anger inside, don't hold sadness over losing me at the top of your heart. Cover it with so much fun that it just kinda hides away in the back and doesn't get to control your life. I'm not saying it's gonna be gone forever; I'm just saying if you fill your heart with enough love and kindness and happiness, it'll only come out a little at a time and it'll be ok.
You keep doing good in school and get that math grade up, boy. You know daddy wouldn't like that if I was there to tell you about it. So try hard, ok. Ask for help. Not just with math either, but with life. Don't be too proud that you don't ask for help like me. I should have. But just grow and learn and laugh and love and make memories that will keep you smiling for years to come.
Hug your momma tight for me, son. Tell her I love her and miss her with all my might. And the same goes for you and your brother. You three were the best things to ever happen to me. I wish I had shown that more often by not working so much, but I can't take it back now. Just know I never once didn't love you more than anything in this world.
So, Merry Christmas my boy. Have fun opening presents and remember I'm still right there with you buddy, in the stories you guys tell of me, in the candles you burn for me, and more importantly, in your heart forever.
My gosh, I love you.
Merry Christmas from Heaven, son.
Love,
Dad
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