11 Months...

Today marks 11 months. I read somewhere on a fellow widow's blog the other day that she calls the date of her husband's passing an "angelversary". I guess she is like me and refuses to call such a tragic date an anniversary. I'll never do it. But angelversary might grow on me...just not yet. 

I have been dreaming about Mike quite often. I've been having more negative dreams about him than happy ones. I hate them. During the daytime hours while I've been out of school for Thanksgiving break, I have found myself drifting off into what life used to be. I am ready to return to work tomorrow so that my mind can find its focus again. 

We made it through Thanksgiving, but I had a total breakdown to my sister one night. It was back to that gut wrenching, not able to breathe kind of cry. I just miss my husband so freaking much.

I could not follow through with any of the traditional family plans of Thanksgiving, so instead we stopped by Mike's childhood home for about 15 minutes to visit (which was so incredibly difficult), then went to my best friend's house. We laughed and ate and visited and had a good time. I am so appreciative for their invitation to join them. (Jack's dad, Big Jack, passed away just weeks after Mike. His story of my husband visiting him on his way to Heaven is in an earlier post.) Once the crowd left there, and it was just Erica, Jack, and their daughter Katie, it was time for me to leave. It was all too familiar and reminiscent of Mike, and me, and Conner. 

In order to redirect my thoughts, Conner and I decided to go watch a movie. We had an evening of watching a movie, eating a molten lava cake at Applebee's (becoming our new addiction), and renting a Redbox movie. We returned home and made a pallet in the living room floor to watch our movie, just like Mike and our boy used to do. 

Today we will stay home in our PJs all day but will be productive. We will go ahead and put up our Christmas tree, even though I really don't want to. But what good is it going to do me or Conner if I completely avoid the Holiday? None. So, we will do that today and will feed cows and will watch movies and I will not mention the date to our boy. 

I can't believe my son's and my life today and how different it is from 11 months ago. Trying our best to make new traditions and to move forward with living. 

We miss your laughter and your smile. We miss our family traditions with you and our family being whole. 11 months has passed in the blink of an eye and I can't believe we are here and you are gone. 

I love you baby. NFAxI...

#stillhis

Love,

Veronica