8 Months...

How has it been 8 months already?

I cannot believe that it has been 8 whole months since I last heard your voice in person and not just in an old home video or in your outgoing message from your cell phone that I saved on my phone.

I cannot believe it has been 8 whole months since I wrapped my arms around you while we stood in the kitchen.  Or since you turned to face me and wrap your arms around me while I buried my face in your chest.

I cannot believe it has been 8 whole months since you kissed me goodbye and told me you loved me just before you opened the sliding glass door to leave for work.  Or since we talked about the plans for our day, and what might sound good for dinner.

I cannot believe I no longer have your dirty laundry in the hamper, or your coffee cup in the sink.  I cannot adjust to sleeping on your side of the bed while Conner sleeps on mine.

I cannot understand how when we take rides through the farm on the Ranger, you are not down at the machine shed working on some piece of equipment.  I cannot fathom the absence of your smell on my skin or the salty taste of your kiss when you got in from work in the evenings.

I cannot believe that I no longer see you smiling after you showered and dressed for a date night. You would wear your "sexy jeans" that I bought for you from Gap after our first year together.  You saved those jeans for our dates and only wore them during MRWA conferences when I was there.

I cannot believe I no longer have your hand to hold while we walked around Wal-Mart just looking in the sporting goods section for the millionth time, not buying anything.

I cannot understand how I now have to take our little boy to a tombstone to talk to his dad when he is so young and this is so unfair.

There are so many things that I cannot believe...that I cannot wrap my mind around...that I cannot prepare myself to accept or understand any given day...that I cannot "fix".

I haven't the energy to write much tonight, as my soul has been drained these last few days.  I have cried almost every day for a week while I drive home from work.  I literally had one drive where it was coming so powerfully that I could barely see to drive.  I am drained tonight.

I miss you more than words and more than any one in my life can possibly understand.  God bless them...it's not their fault they don't have the right words.  No one does.  There are no right words.

I hope that Heaven is amazing and that you are exactly like I imagine...young, happy, smiling, warm, chatting with your dad, tipping your head back in laughter while you clap your hands together, energetic, rested, carefree, unscathed, perfect.

Hold on tight, folks, to whomever you love and don't let one single day pass without pouring your heart and soul into them.

I love you baby...NFAxI...

#stillhis

Love,
Veronica