Drink a Beer...

Yeah, I know, it's a song title. A very good song at that. But I'm not here to quote lyrics tonight. I'm here to tell you that if right now I could sit on the porch with my husband and drink a beer, I'd have so much to tell him. **Please do not think this post means I drink beer all the time or that I ever did.**

I imagine us in our youth, pre-Conner, when we would actually sit on our old deck on our old farm in Garwood, or ride around the old farm in the 'Yota or Jeep and drink a beer. We would talk and laugh and fall deeper in love everyday. 

Here's what I wish I could tell you over a beer tonight, baby. 

I got rehired as a HS principal tonight at our board meeting. I'm pretty excited about it and actually quite proud of myself, but it's difficult to be too happy because you aren't here to share it with. I've been working really hard; I still have much to learn, but am so humbled at the first opportunity that it still sometimes seems surreal that I'm where I am in my career. So to be asked to stay in my position for a while longer means I must be doing something right. I just wish so much I could hear you tell me you're proud. 

Our little boy is growing so much it's ridiculous! He's growing as a student at EC. He really does say he likes it better at our new school; he isn't picked on nearly as much. No one makes fun of him for being a "farmer boy" or for NOT choosing to play sports. He is so smart! He is still in Beta Club and made a great grade on his math and science tests today! I know you'd be so incredibly proud of him. 

He has made lots of new friends who love air soft wars just like he does! They don't care if he doesn't have name brand jeans or shoes; although luckily we did find some name brand shoes on sale the other day! Lol...

He left me a note tonight. Mom is staying the night since we knew my meeting would run late. Conner left the note atop my pillow with a set of pajamas and a phone charger. Of course he got in a plug about an expensive birthday present but who cares?! It's so sweet and adorable! 

He reminds me of you so stinkin' much! You were never much on the note writing thing, but you sure knew how to melt my heart and so does he! 

If we could sit and drink a beer right now I'd tell you how much I miss you and us. I can't believe it's 14 months next week and that I'm just supposed to keep moving right along with life. Don't get me wrong, I've arrived at the point where I'm ready to take steps forward, as I've said in my recent posts, but baby, I shouldn't HAVE TO! We should still be together. We should still have each other to hold and love, to laugh with and cry with, to kiss and marvel at. There are so many things we should still be doing. But God had other plans. 

I think God feels badly for what happens to good people; He doesn't ever mean for bad things to happen to good people, they just do. I think God cries when we cry; I think His heart breaks when ours breaks. I think God whispers to us all along the road of heartache and despair to just keep taking one step forward. To just keep breathing. To just keep believing that He will never forsake us, no matter what sucky stuff life throws our way. 

I sure wish you and I could talk about it. 

But for now, I'm going to close my eyes and try to sleep, thanking The Good Lord above for our son who left me that beautiful and perfect note; for the job opportunity I received last summer and for the extended offer to stay; for my 13 years beside you, and for so much more. 

I love you, Michael Richard Hollis, and if we could sit right now and drink a beer, I just bet we could solve all the world's problems. ;)

Love, NFAxI...

Your high school principal (FINALLY HUH?;) wife,

Veronica 

#stillhis with #anewlife

A Letter Sent to Heaven...

Hi Baby,

I needed to write to you today; I felt things bubbling inside me needing to get out. I miss you. I miss happiness and laughter and romance and so much more. 

Today I began working on changing your office into Conner's bedroom. It's much bigger than his room now. I remember you saying in the beginning of our move that you "kind of" felt bad for taking the biggest room. Lol... That feeling didn't last. . ;) 

As I pulled things from the office closet, including all your rifles, I had to take a minute and just stop. I rubbed the old wooden stocks of the guns from your younger years. The 30-30 lever action was my favorite. It's beautiful. You were proud of it. 

And then I continued pilfering through some old files and papers on a shelf behind your desk. I had looked at them multiple times over the past almost 14 months but could not bring myself to actually pull the papers from them and look. Today I did. 

No one but me ever knew how sentimental you actually were. Most people only saw the rough and gruff Mike. The workaholic who sometimes threw little, well no...big fits when something went wrong. In the folders on your shelf there were priceless treasures. I found letters from the boys and pictures from when your hair was silky black and the wrinkles hadn't gathered so pronounced. The boys were tiny in some of the pictures and I could tell from their handwriting that their letters and drawings were from many years ago. 

I found one from Conner that will be framed and will have its perfect place on his newly painted bedroom wall. 

He was 7 when he wrote this and now that he's 11, his dream hasn't changed. I showed him and we had a good cry. 

But I'm excited about what your office will look like once it becomes our little boy's room. We will have one wall wooden, the other's military green (not momma's choice), and your large map of the farm will rest centered above Conner's bed. I'm very excited about how it will look. Today we just accomplished the closet switch...no small task in itself since both closets were full! Lol... But we will keep working and you'll love it! 

I am trying to take steps forward, babe. Steps that would still make you proud. I want a future that is not filled with such heartache as my present. I want to laugh and love again. I want to raise our son in the light of The Lord and in love and happiness. I want him to learn that our inner strength only grows through our faith in God and in what He can deliver us from. 

And in all of my endeavors, I will take you with me. I'll never NOT be your wife. You'll never NOT be my husband or Conner's daddy. We love you and we miss you beyond any measure of this world. But we are ready to take that love with us on a new path of life. We are ready to add roads and turns and places of peace and warmth and happiness. 

You will be with us always. I love you so much and can't wait for you to see us grow from the tragedy that crushed us. You'll be proud baby. 

I hope the sun is shining on you and that you are proud of the steps we are taking every day. 

NFAxI

#stillhis with #anewlife

Love,

Veronica 

Another Valentine's Day...

I hate Valentine's Day. I guess I hate it because I'm alone now for VD. I never hated it before; Mike and I would go out for a date or have an at home date night where I cooked him steak and we slow danced in the kitchen. 

I bought my son a few ridiculously priced candies and an iTunes card for the occasion. He is happy; that is all that matters. 

I haven't posted in a while because I guess I feel torn. Most of my posts have been the desperation clawing its way from within me. The sadness and loneliness and anger needing an outlet. I've reached a turning point somehow. 

I'm not sure when exactly it happened or how...well, the how is because God finally said: 

 "ok, enough of this crap. You can do this and you're going to have to quit wrapping yourself in sadness! Focus! Snap out of it! You have a son to live for and he is more precious than anything or anyone else! Go have fun with him! Quit just laying in the house in your pajamas every chance you have. Get up and get dressed. Smile! LAUGH!!!! Go be with friends! DO things! Mike would. If you think he would have sat in that house for over a year, you are kidding yourself. I mean, seriously..you knew your husband better than anyone else. You guys even had this conversation before--dating again. You know he would. Number one, he could not have done all his jobs and raise your son alone. Number two, he would not enjoy being alone. It depressed him when he was alone before you. So, you're done just sitting there! GET UP!!! GO DO!!!! LIVE for crying out loud! Just because you do does not mean you don't still love and miss Mike. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or a bad widow. It does not mean you will not think of him anymore, or that you have to stop wearing your wedding ring, or his flannel shirts to bed. Mike will always be your husband; that's how he left this world. But child, it's ok to breathe and to let yourself be open to new beginnings. I promise that I have you. I have Conner. You guys are so important to me and I'll never forsake you or lead your heart in a wrong direction. It's ok. Life is going to HAVE TO move forward. No, I didn't say you'll have to "get over it" because that I'm sorry, will never come. But you CAN "get ON with it"...and that means LIFE!!! Get on with life because I promise you that it's too short not to. I love you, child, so trust me. I'm the one talking to you and telling you it's ok to move forward even if it's teeny tiny steps. Remember your conversation with Mike on your first date? "I need baby steps, like seriously because I've never dated anyone before. I married my high school sweetheart, so I've only known being with him. So, I'm not sure what you expect, but I need baby steps." The two of you were in love in a week. Take baby steps, my daughter. But step back into life with your son strong by your side. You two go have adventures and make memories. I love you."

So, I hear Him. I've had a positivity flowing in my heart lately. My Instagram posts are more positive and cheerful. My demeanor with my son is more positive and cheerful. I actually went to my friend's house this weekend and had a mom's day out with no kids! It was awesome! It was good to talk with one of my oldest friends, just me and her. 

It was awesome to shop for Valentine's for our kids; I just ignored, well no I actually growled when walking by the husband cards. Grrrrrrr. Thanks hallmark, you're awesome. Lol... At least I can laugh about some things now! 

With all that being said, you will probably notice a difference in my posts and in the amount of posts. This is where the I'm torn thing comes in. This blog began with journaling the terrible tragedy of losing my husband of 11 years. It has shown you the deepest, most raw, agonizing pieces of my heart and soul. It has been dedicated to letting widows like me know their feelings of fear, inadequacy, desperation, anger, guilt, and all those other ugly emotions are VALID AND REAL AND PERFECTLY OK!!!! 

But I now think my posts might become more positive, telling of my son's and my adventures. Because as I said in an earlier post, I want us to go running to Mike and tell him how good we lived just so we have awesome things to tell him. What I want widows, well everyone, to know is that FINALLY seeing the light is also a completely valid feeling of widowhood and it's 250% ok to WANT to be happy again!!! But I will always be a widow, no matter what life brings down the road. I will always be Mike's wife, but it will be ok with him if I eventually become someone else's sweetheart too. Mike will understand and he will be proud of me. He and God will help send me someone who will be good for both me and our son. So, life anew is about to begin. Changes are coming and focus is coming and happiness filled with laughter and giggles and silly jokes and vacations to new places and all that good stuff a life well lived is made of is all coming. 

I have this and God has me. I can't go wrong. 

PS-- This DOES NOT mean  I'm open for date suggestions so DO NOT take it as a hint to set me up with anyone!!! Not gonna happen yet. In time my friends, in time. 

I love you and miss you NFAxI, baby. 

And thanks for whispering to God to fill my heart with a small dose of joy again that can only grow and grow and grow.

Happy Valentine's Day in Heaven from your wife and son. 

#stillhis with #newlife 

Love, 

Veronica  

Happy 46th in Heaven...

Hi baby,

I hope that the sunshine is warming your face and that the Angels are singing Happy Birthday to you today. I hope you are smiling and laughing with pure joy in your heart. I hope that your day is spent surrounded by peace and happiness. I hope that you feel our love every single second of every single day. I hope you grabbed your balloons from the sky and held them tightly in your hands, knowing we sent them with more love than could be imagined. 

We love you and miss you beyond any measure. 

Happy Birthday my husband. 

NFAxI

#stillhis

Love,

Veronica 

Cruelty and Kindness...

Cruelty could best be defined as something someone does or says which causes pain or suffering to another, usually intentionally. 

Kindness might be defined as being generous, friendly or considerate, even when it's easier or faster to not be. 

Both cruelty and kindness mean so much to a widow; they mean so much to her child(ren). 

This past year has brought me a vast array of instances of both cruelty and kindness. I have seen such an outpour of generosity that still brings me to tears when it comes our way. And then I have seen such deliberate, evil and malicious things happen or have heard of them being said that the tears also come.  In the past year I have experienced such a range of emotions and unfortunately not one of them has been happiness. Sure, I've laughed and smiled, but have not felt one true ounce of happiness. I am unsure when I ever will experience true happiness again...or IF I ever will.  

And the reasons are because even through the gracious kindness of others, there is an ever present pang of torture inside my belly and heart because my husband, my soul mate, my best friend, is gone and he cannot experience this kindness toward us. Another reason is due to the malicious ill-intent of so many people and much of it stems from greediness, jealousy, and just pure unadulterated hate. And it's interesting how NONE of this ridiculous cruelty happened when my husband was here. And I can't do anything about that and IT SUCKS! 

The cruelty my son and I have experienced has come in a range of measures. It is cruel to spread lies about a widow. It is cruel to pretend you care and then when you get a text simply asking if her child can play with yours, you choose not to respond...like EVER... It is cruel to wish for her to lose everything so that your scavenging hands can land on it all. It is cruel to say you are a friend but then forget she exists when she needs your friendship the most. The cruelty list could go on and on and on... 

But thank God we have been blessed more than we deserve and are humbled by the kindness that comes our way. It is so generous of others who have donated to my husband's scholarship fund in the past couple of months. It is so considerate to get weekly texts from the true friends we have, just checking on us. It is kind when someone sees us out at a restaurant and pays for our dinner without me knowing until I ask for the check. 

I love those kindness moments. One came tonight when I received a phone call from a friend whose church is donating one year's worth of scholarship money (that is enough for TWO kids who will be awarded in my husband's name). I cried at the restaurant table where I received the call. I love the little pick-me-up texts from one of my oldest friends and smile when her text comes through at work reading, "hope you're having a good week!" Her texts never fail! They come weekly, like clock work! I love you Martha!!!! 

I love the times my family or friends have cooked us dinner, (sorry for all the self-invites we've inflicted on you guys! ;) I love the hard work that some people put out to help keep what little bit of livestock I have fed and watered. Taking extra time out of their day to drive to the farm and do whatever so that I'm ok is such a selfless, Christian act. And especially for absolutely nothing but my "thank you" in return. And even with these small and large acts of kindness, the cruelty sometimes overshadows them. 

Sometimes I want to run away from this place. The cruelty gets to be too much. It drains me and I'm already drained emotionally, mentally and physically. And I just feel like, why kick someone when she's down???!!!! Do people think I haven't experienced enough pain that they need to inflict more???!!!! I have done nothing but work my butt off to keep what I can, to honor my husband who I knew better than anyone else did, to raise our son by myself, to pay all the bills alone, to maintain a house, to work full time, and so much more. Do people really not see that? 

I wonder if people could see more of the reality of my son's and my daily lives, would they be less cruel and be more kind? I wonder if they saw all the times we cry...or all the times we pray for some sort of relief...or all the sleepless nights...the empty smiles because we're missing him so much...the medication we just weaned ourselves from because we cannot depend on a drug to bring us to the other side...the utter silence that fills our home now...the fears that run wild on our minds and in our hearts...I wonder. 

God has told us over and over again to just believe. To trust, to just hold on. I'm trying with all of my might. Some days are most definitely more difficult than others. Today has been one of those days. Today I want to throw a dart at a map and pack. Today I want to start fresh somewhere else instead of stay here being tortured every day by Mike's absence and cruelty's presence. Today I want to hide with my son and forget about the world. I literally would. Today. 

But I'll keep hoping that things will one day look up. That our lives will be filled with forgiveness and happiness and love. That we will know what it's like to be a happy family again. 

Until then, I beg you to lift us up in prayer. We pray every night but we believe in the power of prayer. Maybe if we all pray hard enough, others' cruelty will stop not just toward this widow and her son, but toward all widows and their children! Maybe if we all pray hard enough, hearts and souls can heal. 

Until I see you again baby...you are mine and I am yours...

NFAxI...

#stillhis

Love,

Veronica 

How Much Did I Lose?

When I lost my husband, I lost so much more than I bargained for. 

I lost every sense of security. I am afraid all the time of what will end up happening to my son and me. Will we be financially ok? Will we lose everything but maybe our house? Can I do justice to this solo parenting gig? Am I going to permanently screw up with Conner? 

I lost my confidence. Mike complimented me every day, no matter if I looked a mess from just waking up or if I was glammed up after begging him to attend a prom with me. He truly thought I was beautiful whether I had "raccoon eyes" from smudged mascara, or freshly highlighted hair glistening in the sunlight. He made me truly believe that he thought I was beautiful. It didn't matter that I never believed it; I had finally found a man who did.

I lost the peace inside my heart. I struggle every single day, no matter that it's been a little more than one year; I am so lost without him. I want to move forward some days but most of my days are spent missing him and all that we weathered together. My heart aches and rebreaks all day, every day. I wish it wouldn't but it doesn't listen to me. 

I lost my desire to go out and see people and do things with anyone other than my son. And on most days when we are not in school, you'll find us holed up in this house. I have no desire to go anywhere most of the time; I'm not nearly as extroverted as I used to be. 

I lost my desire to talk. Really to anyone. I text way more often than I talk with anyone. I often times ignore calls; not because I don't care about the person calling, but mostly because I haven't the energy to lie and fake it and pretend we are doing well. If people really heard the truth when they ask, "how are you doing?"...boy howdy...they would never call again and would probably fall into a dark depression. I just don't want to talk. I'm quiet now. 

I lost so much in Mike when he left. I lost my best friend, my right hand man, my wingman. I lost my favorite voice, my softest kiss, my imperfectly perfect love. 

I lost me. 

A part of me will never return because it died with him. The Veronica who walked proudly into a room whenever her husband was beside her is now gone. She is weaker now, more vulnerable, less sure, less happy. She is broken into a million pieces, shattered against the shock of losing her husband on a normal freaking Monday. She is in a darker place now, and even through she smiles and laughs, there is and will always be a tinge of pain.  

The Veronica who married Mike on an insanely beautiful August evening no longer exists. And I liked her. She was happy. She was secure. She was sure that she was loved as deeply by a man as she loved him. She felt safe and comfortable. Life was not always sunshine and roses, but it was theirs. 

It's so very difficult to stay positive. One day I post something profound and seemingly healing, and the next I feel like a bottomless pit of anguish. I just miss my husband so freaking much. 

I love you more than words baby...NFAxI

#stillhis

Love, 

Veronica 

My Husband...

Dear Baby,

You are missed so incredibly much. With each passing day, I've been told the grief will lessen and the pain will dull. But, today I cried in Hobby Lobby when looking at wooden signs and one had a message about love. My mind instantly flooded with thoughts of us and my heart broke all over again. 

I would have followed you anywhere, ya know? I wanted nothing more than to make you happy. I wanted to hold onto you forever and to make a life with you during which we could both grow old. I wanted to sit with you on our porch and watch a million sunsets across the horizon.

I never planned to bury you way before what we thought it should be. I never imagined your life ending at the young age of 44. I guess I was scared and worried often about you; I knew you always pushed yourself beyond anyone else's limits, but I was so naive in thinking it would never happen. You convinced me it wouldn't. It was that Marine Corps mentality that I blamed: invincibility. 

I'm sorry for all the things we didn't get to do or see. I'm sorry for all the memories we won't be able to make now. 

I think about you literally all day, every day. Even when it's a good day and I've smiled and laughed, or worked really hard and stayed busy, I think of you. I think about how you would be proud of me in my new role as a principal. But then I also think that if you were still here, we would never see each other due to all of my supervision duties. 

But even with all the things that distract me, baby, you never leave my mind. 

Remember all the times we lay beside each other, just talking until late into the night? I remember we used to talk about our future, of our plans to grow old together. I remember how your hazel eyes could literally melt me, every single time. Remember all the times we drove to a spot on the old farm or here on this one, and we would just park the truck, sit and talk? We would look up at the stars and you would always get this dreamy look on your face and your eyes would glisten with peace and happiness. 

I was your home. I was your safe place. And you were mine. 

I miss you so much still and even though it's been a little over a year, I absolutely can't believe some days that you're really gone. It's so weird. I've even changed a few things in the house to make it feel a little different; however, no coat of paint can cover the memories in each of these rooms. 

You were always so proud of a well-kept house. It made me proud to know you loved the way I kept our house clean and decorated. I've been slacking on that lately, but luckily our moms help me out some. 

I went to visit you the day that marked one year. I couldn't stay long. I just couldn't. It was crazy how the cows gathered close to the fence just like they did they day we said our final goodbyes. 

It is a beautiful cemetery, and sometimes I like to just lay in the sunshine for a while. It's been so cold lately I haven't been there much. In the spring I'll visit more. I'll lay beside you on a warm, sunny day and just lay there. I'll place my hand on your tombstone like so many times before. 

We won't need to talk. You'll know what I'm feeling. That's the way it's been for so long with us. You knew how much I loved you and needed you and wanted you; I knew the same from you. I'm so thankful there was no shadow of doubt in either of our hearts the day you left. 

There's a new song out that reminds me of us, "Die a Happy Man." It sings of how even if this man never gets to do all the things he dreamed of, as long as he has the hand of the woman he loves, he can die a happy man. I hope you were happy; I hope you knew no pain. I hope it happened so quickly that my worst fears are only terrible figments of my imagination and nothing of the truth. I hope you saw me and your boys, smiling and laughing as you drifted into Heaven. 

But I'll never know. I can only hope. And I hope good things for Conner's and my future. I hope one day to be happy again; to smile and laugh so freely and more often than now. I hope to live an adventurous life with our little boy and to teach him humility. I hope so many things for our son's future that I can't even scratch the surface. 

I love you Michael, more than words. And I'm still so proud to be your wife. I'm so proud to have spent 13 years beside you, living and loving all the way. I am grateful for the life you showed me, for the lessons you taught me, and for the love you bestowed upon me. I am so grateful to have been your wife on Earth for 11 years. And I will be your wife now, forever, an always times infinity. It won't matter if eventually a new person comes into my life, or even if I remarry. You will always be my husband and I will always be your wife. Maybe there is a good man out there somewhere who can accept that, can accept that you'll always be a part of me and I'll never let that go.

I miss you, husband. I miss us. I miss life.

I better go for now. Exhaustion is settling in and out bed is calling my name. 

I hope you're looking at the stars tonight and are smiling at all the times we sat in the field, in the old Toyota, falling more in love each time. You are my forever. 

I love you baby. I'll see you in my dreams.

 

NFAxI...

#stillhis

Love,

Veronica