Sunday, November 29, 2015

A Second Post Today...

I began today with a post commemorating the 11 month mark, but almost immediately after hitting publish, I received a phone call from my mom. 

"We have some more bad news..." She began. 

My aunt's husband passed away this morning. It was sudden and unexpected. Keith had been battling heart problems for years and had undergone multiple surgeries, leaving the family thinking he was in good enough condition to live many more years. He collapsed this morning and never recovered. 

I cried when my mom told me. She was at the hospital with my aunt and was very worried to tell me the news for many reasons. One, the sudden shock of Keith's passing is so similar to the sudden shock of Mike's passing. Two, today marks 11 months without Mike and everyone in my family knows that we struggle on every 29th. Three, visiting my aunt's house would inevitably be a terrible flashback to my own self just 11 months ago. 

But it didn't matter--I was compelled to go hug my aunt, to help clean and cook and whatever else I could because she did the same for me the day Mike left. So I spent the morning trying to mentally prepare myself. Epic fail. 

The first time we visited my aunt today, when she made eye contact with me, she just lost it all over again and so did I. I kept telling her how sorry I am. She kept repeating what I did that terrible day last December, "I don't know what to do." 

"You're going to figure it out. You're going to find that there are going to be people coming out of the woodwork to help you. To pray for you. Who care and love you and some of them you won't even know. It's gonna suck and every day is gonna be hard. And it's never gonna get easier because Keith is always gonna be gone. But you will do it because you have to. You will suffer through it and you will fight to survive. But you will and you will surprise yourself. And even all the love you'll get from people that will bring you comfort and peace, some days just won't mean shit because it's not from Keith. But you're gonna be ok. Never the same, but ok." 

I watched my Aunt Rosemary struggle to breathe through the cries. I watched family and friends come to hug her, many of whom also came to me and hugged me, asking if I was doing ok. I just shrugged and turned quickly to clean something in the kitchen. 

My cousin Jessica helped me clean and prepare a turkey for the oven and she and several other cousins helped us carry things downstairs for my aunt so that there would be room for food and visitors. At one point as Jessica and I were at the sink, she looked at me and said, "I know this is hard. Today is 11 months isn't it?" 

I nodded with tear filled eyes and she hugged me. We went right back to cleaning but my hands shook the entire time. 

Conner and I made it through the first visit ok today and came home to decorate a Christmas tree, which was my original plan this morning. We rested a while and then this evening my sister and niece came down to bring homemade chicken and noodles so Conner and I returned to my aunt's to check on the turkey I placed in the oven earlier. 

This second visit was harder on me and Conner than the first. But let me tell you something about our visit that brought both sad and proud tears all evening. 

My 11 year old son stood and talked and acted like a man this evening for my aunt. I watched him do things he did for me the night his dad passed away. I was so proud of him that night and tonight was the same pride. 

He got a cold wet dishcloth for my aunt. He did the same for me last December. He told her more than once that it is gonna be ok, that it will be hard but she will get stronger every day. He still tells me that. He brought over a trash can when my aunt thought she might get sick. He retrieved her Pepsi when she needed a drink. He was such a grown up. 



Everyone who was there, including my sister, watched in awe of this little boy, who even though sometimes is such a brat, moved every person's soul with his kindness and love. And he is my son. He is Mike's and my legacy. And there is not one accomplishment in my life of which I will ever be more proud than being Conner's mom. 

I sat at a distance and watched with tears rolling down my face. Sometimes my sister and I, or my niece and I, would make eye contact and we all just could not believe here were all are again, 11 months later to the day, watching a remake of this terrible tragedy that plays through our minds all the time. And this little boy who looks more like a man every day, was somehow holding it all together. 

I couldn't take it much longer because it was all too reminiscent, so Conner and I left without even hugging anyone but my aunt. I was about to lose it so I had to get out of there. As soon as Conner and I made it into our vehicle, we both lost it.  I held onto my little boy and we cried together. We drove home in silence. Just holding each other's hand. 

Much of life these days is exhausting. We pray for strength to survive it every day. Today we added my aunt and her family to our prayers. I can't believe another widow has entered this crappy club. 

I hope you and Keith are sharing laughs tonight baby. I love you and miss you beyond any measure of this world. 

NFAxI...
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica 
 

11 Months...

Today marks 11 months. I read somewhere on a fellow widow's blog the other day that she calls the date of her husband's passing an "angelversary". I guess she is like me and refuses to call such a tragic date an anniversary. I'll never do it. But angelversary might grow on me...just not yet. 

I have been dreaming about Mike quite often. I've been having more negative dreams about him than happy ones. I hate them. During the daytime hours while I've been out of school for Thanksgiving break, I have found myself drifting off into what life used to be. I am ready to return to work tomorrow so that my mind can find its focus again. 

We made it through Thanksgiving, but I had a total breakdown to my sister one night. It was back to that gut wrenching, not able to breathe kind of cry. I just miss my husband so freaking much.

I could not follow through with any of the traditional family plans of Thanksgiving, so instead we stopped by Mike's childhood home for about 15 minutes to visit (which was so incredibly difficult), then went to my best friend's house. We laughed and ate and visited and had a good time. I am so appreciative for their invitation to join them. (Jack's dad, Big Jack, passed away just weeks after Mike. His story of my husband visiting him on his way to Heaven is in an earlier post.) Once the crowd left there, and it was just Erica, Jack, and their daughter Katie, it was time for me to leave. It was all too familiar and reminiscent of Mike, and me, and Conner. 

In order to redirect my thoughts, Conner and I decided to go watch a movie. We had an evening of watching a movie, eating a molten lava cake at Applebee's (becoming our new addiction), and renting a Redbox movie. We returned home and made a pallet in the living room floor to watch our movie, just like Mike and our boy used to do. 

Today we will stay home in our PJs all day but will be productive. We will go ahead and put up our Christmas tree, even though I really don't want to. But what good is it going to do me or Conner if I completely avoid the Holiday? None. So, we will do that today and will feed cows and will watch movies and I will not mention the date to our boy. 

I can't believe my son's and my life today and how different it is from 11 months ago. Trying our best to make new traditions and to move forward with living. 

We miss your laughter and your smile. We miss our family traditions with you and our family being whole. 11 months has passed in the blink of an eye and I can't believe we are here and you are gone. 



I love you baby. NFAxI...
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica 

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Four Candles...

This week Conner and I created a display for the center of our coffee table that will last through the whole Holiday season.  It is a display of four cream colored candles adorned with beautiful greenery atop a white stand.  I found the idea on Pinterest and each candle represents something for Mike.



The first candle represents our grief.  We still grieve every day over losing him.  We move through the days mostly ok, but sometimes it still puts a knot in our stomachs, and an uncontrollable shake in our hands.  It still brings us to our knees and pours sobs of sadness over us.  

The second candle represents our courage.  I don't feel courageous at all, but I know that God's blessing of courage is what is keeping us going.  It takes strength every day to rise from bed and face this new life head on.  Many days I don't want to; I want to stay hidden in my pjs, under a blanket, away from the world.  And sometimes I have those days.  I just had one last weekend and I literally took two naps because my sadness just exhausts me.  But, there are so many widows and children who have lost the strongest person they know, and it takes courage for any family to take one step forward.  

The third candle represents our memories of Mike.  Conner has so many wonderful memories of his dad over the 10 years he had with him, and I have so many over the 13 years I had with him.  Those memories are what keep us going some days; they are what bring us to tears many days as well. Sometimes in the middle of a normal day, a simple memory of a time Mike and I had been somewhere or done something will wash over me.  We have perfect memories of birthdays, Thanksgivings, Christmases, and tiny every day amazing memories that will never die.  

The fourth candle represents our love...both the love that Mike had for us and the love that we still have for him.  That love will never dim.  And there are so many days that we can feel Mike's love still with us when it comes in the sunshine from above, or the warm breeze on our cheeks. We feel it when his favorite song plays on the radio at just the right moment.  We feel it when we lay down at night and say our prayers together.  Mike's love has not left us and ours will never leave him.  He carried our love all the way to Heaven with him, I just know he did.  He had not one doubt the magnitude of our love for him.  And we do not have one doubt of his love for us.

So, Conner and I created this display the other day and have lit the candles every day since.  We will light them every day through the New Year so that we can make sure whoever comes to visit us will know that Mike's love and memories will live on every day with us.  

The Holidays are difficult.  We didn't really know what Thanksgiving Day would hold and weren't sure of our final plans, and we really even aren't sure as I sit here writing this morning. Conner is laying beside me playing on his phone.  We have discussed stopping by each grandparent's house for a brief visit, then going to watch a movie.  We have thought about just skipping every family member's house and going straight to a movie and dinner, just the two of us. We have considered going to a friend's house to visit and play with the kids. But, we don't know what the day will hold. Right now we are enjoying the peace and quiet, laying around, doing nothing productive.  Maybe that will be what our day holds, I don't know.  

One thing I do know though is that we are thankful beyond measure for all of the offers from family and friends to spend the day with us.  There have been countless offers and it means the world to us to be loved that much.

Today, and through all of the upcoming Holidays, we wish all of the widows and children of lost parents a very blessed Thanksgiving.  It isn't easy to be without the person you love so much.  But, I hope that you can find peace through prayer and that you are surrounded by love today.  

I love you baby and we miss you being beside us through every day.  I hope sunshine and warmth wraps around you today as you sit on a green hillside, watching down on us.  I see you with that wonderful contagious smile of yours and your hazel eyes glistening almost golden.  Happy Thanksgiving, baby...We will keep the candles burning.  

#stillhis
Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity...
Love, 
Veronica 

Sunday, November 22, 2015

I'm Trying Hard...

I watched a Hallmark movie last night. About a widow...at Christmas.  I related to the character well; at one point she said, "I'm trying not to hate Christmas."

I'm trying too.  I'm trying not to hate Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mondays in general, the 29th of every month, and so on.  I'm trying not to hate being a single mom, or myself.  I'm trying not to hate all of the debt I was left with and all of the responsibilities that came with this huge debt load.  I'm trying not to hate the man I've never even met, who answered my husband's phone that day and told me he had passed away.  I really am trying.

I spoke with my mom earlier today and she told me something that makes it even harder not to hate myself as a widow.

She told me that my son was sitting at the table the other day, a day when I was at a principal conference in a different town and he stayed the day with Grandma.  He sat at the table and was making a rubber band ball.  Mom was watching TV and Conner said, "Grandma...I miss Dad.  When Dad was here he would have been sitting right here beside me with his laptop and would have looked over here and said, 'I love you, son, and you have an incredible imagination.'  I sure wish he was here. And if Mom was ok, Grandma, I will be ok.  God helps me be ok, but I just need Mom to be ok and then I can be too."

Wow.  I have obviously failed to epic proportions since my husband passed away.  I have cried so much.  I have withdrawn myself from so many people and places and things from our past life.  It is a past life, one that is not ours anymore.  Conner and I have a new life, whether it is one for which we planned or not.  Whether it is one for which we are prepared or not, it is ours.  Just me and him.

I have spent so many days, still dressed in my pajamas, taking a nap when I could, watching TV in silence, staying in the recliner while my little boy played in the floor alone.  While he watched TV in the other room.  While he went to our bedroom and played X-Box.

My depression, my sadness, my loneliness has got to step aside so that I can go back to being a mom. That was my dream all along...to be a mom.  My entire life.  Mike may have left me to finish the job alone, but God has never left me. I have turned my cheek to Him, tried to ignore the tug on my heart to return to a church these last few months.  I have tried to pretend my faith is still strong and that I am still a good mom.

But, all of the pretending is doing me no good.  So, today I have to change things.  I have to set my mind straight.  I cannot fail.  I cannot let my little boy grow, thinking his mom will never be ok again; worrying that Mommy will be said forever and that we will never be genuinely happy again. I love my husband with all of my heart; I miss him with every fiber of my being. But, it's time I let his memory live inside my heart as a driving force to do better, not to give up and sit idly by as my son grows up without the mom I was born to be.

I love you Conner Luin, and Daddy does too.  I promise Mom will do better; I promise I will not let sadness and fear control our lives one more day.  I'm not saying it won't take hold and shake me every now and then, but it will not tighten its grip around me and hold on every day.

I love you baby and am going to keep my promise to you the day you left me and I held your hand closely.  I promised that day and the day we lowered you into the cold December ground that I would do my best to raise our boy alone.  So, here goes.



NFAxI...
#stillhis

Love,
Veronica

Sunday, November 15, 2015

A Little Advice...

There are many things not to say to a widow or to a widow's child.  There are many things not to do, or to do.  You will never know a 100% right answer on "widow etiquette".  But, maybe some advice from a widow will help.  

"That happened like at Christmas, right?  Shouldn't you be over it by now?" -- asked of Conner about 2 months after Mike passed away.  
My son didn't have an answer that day, but excused himself to the bathroom to cry for about 10 minutes afterward.  I had a talk with the child's principal to let her know what the boy said to Conner.  
"You didn't kill him, did you?" -- asked of me at a recent conference when I ran into someone from high school.  This douche bag said this to me after hugging me hello and asking who I married after high school.  I said my ex-husband's name first and said that we had divorced 5 years later, then I married Mike.  I said that he will be gone one year next month and this was the idiot's response; I was so stunned at the stupidity of the person who stood before me and flash backed to high school and why I always thought he was a douche.  Thought confirmed that he has not grown up.  He tried to apologize later, but that was a futile attempt.  I don't care how many times he wants to say sorry...who in their right mind would ask that question???

"Well, I think he was flirting with you." -- stated to me while out running errands with someone. Seriously?  This was just a few months after I lost my best friend, the love of my life, my soul mate, and you want to tell me you think someone is flirting with me!?  I don't give a flying flip if Blake Shelton is standing in front of me completely naked, holding a dozen roses and a diamond the size of Texas...other men's opinion of me or their meager attempts at being nice (sometimes flirty) does not matter one teeny tiny bit.  Do NOT tell me that someone is flirting with me....I DON'T CARE if they are. There is no desire to move away from my husband at this point, so do not tell me what you think is good about a man flirting with me.  He better just move on, because I am not reciprocating any flirting.  

"I just want you to be happy." -- said multiple times to me.  Well, you know what?  I want to be happy too, but that would involve my dead husband never having died.  It would require time to be turned back and Mike to be here and breathing and well and alive and laughing and smiling and loving me like he did before he left.  So, I get that you care about me and worry about me and WANT for me to be happy again...SOMEDAY...but NOT TODAY.  It's just not going to happen this quickly.  
"You doing ok?" -- asked of both of us. NO.  We are not "ok". We are some days barely hanging on.  We still break down and cry often.  We talk about Mike and miss every ounce of him being in our lives. We pray every night for more strength and understanding and acceptance.  However, I still do not feel strong.  I still do not understand why my husband had to be taken from us so soon or why he went the way he went.  I cannot accept that he is gone.  

"I know you love him, but things weren't always that great and you need to remember that too."  -- Are you F-ing kidding me?  I know that my husband and I did not have the perfect marriage...no one has that.  But you know what we did have?  Passion and love enough that even though we fought tooth and nail sometimes, and even almost divorced once, we knew what we were fighting for. And our ebb and flow over the years made our marriage strong and one to be envied.  You don't need to remind me that we had our bad times.  You don't need to remind me that we almost broke a few times, or that he wasn't the perfect man. I am not the perfect woman either.  And our imperfectness made our love and marriage the best that we either one had ever known before.  So, yeah...I do remember all of the bad moments and the not so awesome characteristics of my husband, but those MEAN NOTHING to me now.  He was ripped from me in the blink of an eye and I did not get a say in it.  I did not get to decide to end my marriage.  It was taken from me.  And so, all of the bad "stuff" is irrelevant.  I miss my husband.  ALL OF HIM.  Period.

I know that there are books, news articles, and blogs out there that address what NOT to say to a widow.  These are just a few.  

Here is what I have learned through my journey thus far about what to say and what not to say. 

There is no handbook.
There are no rules.
Just be kind.
Just love us.
Cry with us when we need you to.
Laugh with us when we need that too.
Offer to cook us dinner.
Don't even offer, just show up.
Don't QUIT SHOWING UP or CHECKING ON US.  The months that pass don't make it easier.
Don't forget about us.
Pray for us.
Take us places.
Do odd jobs for us when we need it around the house and don't wait for us to ask for help.
Help us.  
Send us little reminders that we are loved.
Listen to us when we need to vent, cry, cuss, scream, ask questions, or tell stories.
Sit with us in silence when we don't feel like talking.
Don't talk to us about a new partner until we bring it up.  That means we MIGHT be ready.
Don't be disappointed if we cancel plans...sometimes emotions take hold of us and we just can't.
Keep inviting us places and one day, we will be able to accept and hold to it.  We will eventually be strong enough to show up.
Be patient with us...there is no time table to grief.  
Don't be offended if we don't want to do things with you and your spouse yet...it's absolutely nothing personal...just makes us wish ours was here.  We will enjoy our time with married friends one day again.  Just not so soon.
Check on us during those special anniversaries, and birthdays.  
DON'T call the passing of our spouse an "anniversary".  It is a terrible date and we might just call it the one year "mark"...the two year "mark"...etc...  I will not ever call it an anniversary.
Excuse us when we walk around looking like a zombie in mismatched clothes and unkempt hair.
Don't tell us we look great after we have lost or gained 20 pounds due to grief.  We didn't mean to. We didn't work for it.  It is just happening as our sadness grips us and our appetites every day.
Defend us to others if they start talking crap about our lives.  
If they are not our close family or friends, our new normal is none of their business.
Don't expect an automatic "new normal" from us.  We don't know what we are doing and are barely navigating life, let alone settling into any semblance of normality yet.  

So, I guess I just had a few things to get off my chest tonight.  I hope that it helps someone out there, whether that is a widow/er or a friend/family member of a widow/er, or a child who has lost a parent. 

Baby, I miss you with every fiber of my being and wish so much that I did not know any of this "advice" to give to any one.  



I love you Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity...
#stillhis
Love, 
Veronica
 


Saturday, November 7, 2015

In My Dreams...

You come to me in my dreams. 

Sometimes I dream that we are in a huge fight, yelling and screaming, and breaking up. I guess that's my mind's way of trying to force myself to accept that you're gone. 

Other times my dreams are like our life used to be. Last night was like it used to be.

We had arranged for Conner to have a sitter. The house was lit with candles and I had dressed especially for you. I was wearing a black dress and black heels. My hair was down and curled, just like you loved it. My makeup was applied perfectly with just the perfect tint of pink lipstick. 

Dinner was cooked and in the oven to stay warm and a bottle of wine was chilled and ready to pour.  When you walked into the house, exhausted and tired from your day's work, you smiled as you saw me round the corner. I had soft music playing in the background and I came to you and kissed you hello. 

Right there in our kitchen we slow danced. You in your beat up boots and dirty clothes, your left arm wrapped around my waist and your right hand holding my left. 

I let my fingers gently lace through yours and let my right hand rest on your shoulder. You smiled and talked low, telling me what a nice surprise it was to come home to a woman who loved you and wanted to make you happy. 

It felt so good to have you in my arms and for me to be wrapped in yours. I woke crying, hating myself for dreaming this dream. It hurts so badly to dream of how life used to be and I can't imagine ever slow dancing with anyone else in our kitchen. 

Time is not making things easier or less painful. Luckily work is a great distraction but when I'm not there, my mind travels to you every second. It seems that everywhere I go, and no matter who is with me, I become misty eyed because I look around and feel so alone. 

I wonder how long I will feel this way? I wonder how long my life will seem incomplete? You were my world...my safe place...my best friend and confidant...my fighting partner who was worth fighter for...my soul mate. 

I miss your hands around me; I miss our slow dances in the kitchen; I miss our love and marriage and friendship and plans of forever. 

Until I see you again, I'll be loving you. 



NFAxI...
#stillhis

Love,
Veronica 

Sunday, November 1, 2015

What Others Say and Do...

Youth season in Missouri opened yesterday and also, Halloween was celebrated by many.  We partook in both.  

Every year my husband would spend the entire day before opening morning gathering things for the "big hunt" with Conner.  He would dig through the hunting tubs while working on paperwork in his office.  He would arrange it all on the floor or on the couches, one pile belonging to him and one to Conner.   Mike would go buy all of the farm tags for all of us at once so that we were well prepared for regular rifle season also.  

The night before, Mike and Conner would make a pallet in the living room floor, usually after we arrived home from trick-or-treating, depending on how it fell each year.  They would fall asleep late, after a very exciting day, and wake early for a very exciting morning, anticipating the big kill.  

When they would wake early, I would rise with them and make a thermos of black coffee for Mike and a small thermos of hot chocolate for Conner.  I would pack a backpack full of snacks and toilet paper, the essentials of true hunters. ;) 

I would take the traditional morning picture with the camo and hunter orange shining brightly.  Sometimes they would smile, but sometimes they had to appear tough. I thought they were adorable either way.  Conner and Mike would spend the day "hunting"...the reason I put quotation marks around it is because their definition of "hunting" and mine were often very different.  Conner's "hunting" when he was young meant playing his Nintendo DS or his dad's phone and not playing a lick of attention until Mike would tell him a deer was approaching.  Or, he would be wiggling around so much that they would just basically scare deer away from their blind.  Either way it always made for wonderful memories for a father and son. And it made Mike swell with pride and he actually took a break from working just to hunt with his boy.  

This year...things were different.  The night before youth season, I spent time gathering Conner's hunting clothes and backpack.  I made sure everything was out just like Mike would have done.  I jammed his backpack full of snacks and toilet paper, drinks, and hand warmers.  I gritted my teeth as I did all of this and when Conner's back was turned while talking to my dad about sighting in the rifles, I went outside for a meltdown to my mom.  I sat and cried in sadness.  It was nice that so many people had actually offered to take our son hunting and that warmed my heart every time I received one of the offers.  But, in reality, it also broke my heart with every offer too.  Mike isn't here to take his son hunting anymore and that was one thing they shared and loved beyond measure.  And now my little boy has to miss his dad every deer season and it sucks.  Plain and simple, it just sucks.  So, I gathered myself and we sighted in rifles.  

My dad took Conner youth hunting.  And it was a success.   Conner tagged a 14 point buck opening morning and was so excited!  When he came back to the house after we field dressed and dragged the deer to the truck from the hollow, Conner hugged me and cried just a minute.  I told him Daddy is proud all the way from Heaven and he was so excited to see his son get that big buck.  



Conner got to experience something he had never experienced before later that morning: my dad took him parading through our small town with the big buck in the bed of the truck.  My boy became a local celebrity.  He was posted on Facebook by friends and by a local farm store, which was holding a Big Buck Contest for the youth hunters.  It was really cool. Conner and my dad stopped about 5 or 6 places in town and showed the big horns off and told the story over and over again, I'm sure embellishing the details each time!  



So then during the evening we went trick-or-treating because Conner had found his daddy's Marine Corps BDUs from 25 years ago.  He was determined that he didn't care if he is 11, he was going to go as a Marine for his dad.  I couldn't argue.  

So, we went and let me tell you, my son was a local celebrity!  Everywhere we went people were talking about Conner Hollis' big buck! They would walk over to us and congratulate him over and over again.  People we hardly ever see or talk to were so kind to take notice of my boy last night.  It was actually a very cool thing to experience and Conner truly didn't know what to think!  He couldn't believe he was a local celebrity!  It was awesome to see his face every time someone came up to say something to him and it made me swell with pride.  And you know what?  My son stayed humble through it all!  He never once said, "I know!"  He sweetly smiled, shook his head and said thank you to everyone who commented.  It was such a great moment.  



But even in all the glory of his big kill and celebrity status, I couldn't help but feel eyes on me all the time.  People look at us differently now. They look with pity and concern. They wonder how we're doing and many of them ask.  They smile and nod when they don't know what to say, and I don't blame them as I try to avoid eye contact with as many people as possible.  But they are all so supportive of us.  This whole community has reached out to us in so many ways these past 10 months that I am grateful and humbled every day. And last night when they reached out to my son to congratulate him and ask to hear the story, my heart overflowed and tears welled in my eyes each time.  

I am proud of my son.  I am proud of my dad for taking Conner hunting and parading him around town like he was a war hero.  I am proud of my husband for all the years he took Conner and taught him the value of hunting and harvesting meat to provide food for his family.  I am proud of our community, of our friends and family, and of acquaintances.  God is with us every day.  

What others say and do mean the world to us.  We still get phone calls and texts just checking on us. We get offers of all kinds to take us hunting, gigging, or just to distract us with dinners out, or whatever other activity people can think of to offer.  It's amazing. 

So, this post is for all of you who have called, texted, or spoke to us in town.  Thank you.  Your thoughts, your prayers, your concern, and your words will never go unnoticed.  They will never go unappreciated.  Please know that.  

So, baby...I hope you were able to see all of the awesomeness that yesterday brought between the youth hunt and Halloween.  Your boy sure made us proud, didn't he baby?  I love you and miss you more than any words could say.  

I will see you one day and we will walk hand in hand again, watching our boy smile and laugh and play and all the worry in his eyes and the sadness in his heart will be gone forever.  Until then...I'll be yours forever.  

I love you...NFAxI...
#stillhis

Love, 
Veronica