Friday, July 31, 2015

This Week...

I am posting tonight from a well-deserved hot bath. Yes, it's probably not smart to have my phone in the tub with me but I'm doing it anyway. Now don't tell my son because I don't want his phone with him in the tub! 

Let's recap this week shall we? It's been ridiculous and it all started with my 37th birthday on Sunday (refer to the post on July 26). Well following a week full of crying that led up to my birthday, not much has improved. In fact, you might say this week went worse. 

Monday I had to take my truck to the body shop because three weeks ago I sideswiped our front gate (the wagon wheel on the side) that I had told my husband from the beginning would happen eventually. We have metal wagon wheels on either side of the entrance gate to our farm and people have hit them over the years. Those people include my husband. But I had made it all these years without. Mike knew they were too close and meant to move them but he never got around to it. There are lots of things here that he never got around to. 

After we delivered my messed up truck to the body shop we decided to go to my new school so that I could clean out my filing cabinet for a fresh start. I failed to remember until we had no other options that the air conditioner in Mike's truck does not work. So, we rolled the windows down and drove to school, arriving wet with sweat and with my hair very unkempt! We worked, no excuse me...I worked (he made paper airplanes) a half day and we drove back home in 95+ degree temps with the windows down and our moods lessening in happiness all the while. 

By the time we arrived home every inch of my body was literally dripping with sweat (can't help it but I sweat like a man). I made arrangements for Mike's brother to work on the truck and arranged for Mike's best friend to meet me at the shop and take me to one of Mike's other farm trucks. 

This other farm truck has been stored at Mike's best friend's (Ron) shop and SUPPOSEDLY had working AC. Notice how I used all caps there? Yeah. No AC. We didn't know this until we started it and let it run a while in hopes the air would cool off. It did not. 

So, option #3 was one of Ron's farm trucks WITH air. Yes, I know it appears that I am a spoiled brat with third world problems because I wanted a vehicle to drive for the week with air conditioning. Maybe I am a spoiled brat in that sense but seriously, in the grand scheme of my life right now--I think I'm entitled to a little air conditioning. 

So, I drove Ron's huge Ford heavy duty truck with a Do-Eze bed (I think that's the spelling...you know the truck beds that have hay spikes on the sides allowing the driver to haul hay bales). This truck is huge. Like ridiculously huge. Very nice on the inside however; Conner loved it and said it looked like a Transformer truck! It made a random noise at one point and Conner was like, "woah...Mom...what if it transforms with us in it?" 

"Ha...that'd be cool," I replied and we grinned. 

I wanted to limit the driving of Ron's truck for its sheer size and I really didn't want to have to buy a bunch of gas for this truck that probably gets about 12 MPG. 
So, when Tuesday rolled around and I had to go to another court hearing for the estate (which makes me nauseous every time), I asked Mom to come up and we would cook some freezer meals then I would drive her car to court. 

We cooked all morning and one of the workers from MRWA, Billy, a close friend of Mike's in the association, stopped by to deliver honey from the Florida Rural Water guys. Mike got to know them several years ago and he went deep sea fishing with them and they even came to our old farm and deer hunted. So, Billy visited a couple of hours and while there told me about how the association just hasn't been able to find anyone who will ever come close to replacing my husband. I knew that. Mike is irreplaceable. Both in a professional capacity for the association (he was CRAZY smart) and in a personal capacity because he always made people feel important and listened to and comfortable. Let's say he was a social butterfly and that definitely helped in his career with MRWA. I of course cried at the discussion of my husband and how incredible he was. I hate talking about him in past tense. 

So, luckily court went well and by the time I got home I was so exhausted from worry prior to court that I rested a while on the couch. 

Wednesday began not too bad. I was helping my mom babysit my niece Reagan while my sister took my other niece Alyssa to the dentist. I don't get to see the girls very often now that we are all gearing up to return to school (my sister and brother in law also work in education). So all is well, except it marked 7 months without Mike. Mentally it was there all morning but I had decided I was going to make the most of my time with Reagan. However, my son had different plans. 

At around 1:00 I hear a blood curdling scream from outside on the deck and long story short, Conner broke his left arm. So, we ended up rushing to our local clinic for x-Rays to confirm my suspicion, (had to drive the transformer truck because mom had to go to work). Conner was in incredible pain and was very scared but I kept it together well. I was actually proud of myself but I promise you that did not assuage my longing to have my husband with me. I needed him and wanted him. Conner needed him and wanted him. 

So we made it through that day and the night was very restless for us both. He tried to sleep but when the pain would return he would whimper and whine in his sleep. It was a short night.

Thursday morning we rose fairly early and one of my best friends, Amy, drove us to Cape to an orthopedic doctor. Luckily Conner did not break a growth plate or require surgery. He is in the coolest looking camouflage cast for hopefully a maximum of 20 days. 


He is smiling in this photo but just barely. It really hurts badly because he broke the bone completely through about an inch behind his left wrist. His daddy should be here for this first broken bone. He was here for his first stitches from a bike wreck 2 summers ago. 

I did get Mike's truck back yesterday with semi-working AC and returned Ron's transformer truck. Tristan came up to hang with Conner a while and show us his new truck, which is beautiful. I told him that his dad would be really jealous of the two of us because our trucks are almost twins, but Tristan's is blue. It was SO good to see him and to have him here if even only for a couple of hours. I sent him a text to thank him for coming. He said it was no big deal. I told him that it was to us because I couldn't stand losing his dad and him too. For 13 years I was a part of Tristan's life and it kills a part of me every day that I don't see him as often as I did. But it was a great evening and Conner had an absolute blast with his bubby! 

Now this leads us to today, Friday. 

I had to attend a law seminar in Cape this morning so was up bright and early to leave by 6:00 am. Finally made it home late this afternoon, picked up my truck from body shop, mowed my lawn, and retrieved my sister's mower from our dad's house...all just in time to partake in a hot bath and post before going to bed. 

The ride home from Dad's became emotional. The week has caught up with me and I miss my husband terribly. I need his strength and comfort, his love and affection, his reassurance, his hand to hold, his lips to kiss, his eyes to look into while they melt me. But instead his little boy and I drove almost in silence because it was hitting us both. 

Every country song that played through the speakers tonight reminded me of our story and of our love. The moon is shining beautifully and fully and I would give anything to be back in his old 'Yota in the middle of a hayfield, parked, kissing and holding hands just listening to the radio and talking of our future together. A future that was taken away from all of us. 

It sucks. Plain and simple--this sucks. Being alone sucks. Missing my husband and literally craving him in the most simplest and innocent form sucks. 

So that has been my week and I am glad it is Friday. Maybe tomorrow will bring some blessings and maybe Sunday will be even better. 

Hold on tight folks to whoever you love. One day you will reach out for them and there will only be emptiness. Emptiness so vast that it cannot be measured or contained. Trust me, I know. 



I love you and miss you more than words baby. 
NFAxI...
#stillhis
Love,
Veronica 

Sunday, July 26, 2015

My Birthday...

I never expected MY birthday to be as difficult as his was. But I have literally cried so much for a week leading up to today. 

I miss him so much.

I've tried pretending. I even took my son, along with my sister-widow and her son, to Branson Friday to try and have some birthday fun. I was miserable almost the entire time with spurts of laughter here and there, and then spurts of tears when it was just my friend and me in the room. She understands. Her story is so similar to mine.

Her husband was killed in a vehicle accident; her son was very young; she and her husband had been together for 13 years and married for 11; her husband and my husband shared similar senses of humor; we both loved our husbands beyond any measure. 

The hope of distraction in Branson didn't help. 

We came home yesterday and my mom and her boyfriend, my mother and father in-law, Mike's grandma, and my son all had gifts waiting. They also had lunch. It was like a switch flipped on the ride home and even though I love them all with all of my heart, I wished I was alone. I didn't want lunch. I didn't want gifts. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to eat or laugh or anything. I wanted to sleep. 

But I did not want to hurt anyone's feelings. They all miss him so much too and just want to try to help me smile again. So, I partook in lunch and cake and then it was time for gifts. I had literally been gritting my teeth so hard that my jaws hurt today. I was trying my best to look happy. I know it was an epic fail but I was at least trying. 

And then my little boy gave me a beautiful watch as a gift and I lost it. Mike gave me a beautiful watch as a gift years ago. 

I began crying and then sobbing and then I cried out, "he should just be here."

I closed my eyes through the pain but could hear my poor momma's sobs and my mother's-in-law apologies as she held on to my shoulders. My son came to a chair right next to the recliner, the EXACT same way he did the day his daddy died. And THAT is what brought me out of it enough finally that I could breathe. I could not be that woman again. I could not let my little boy go back in time, although I know we both do it every day. He misses his daddy just like I do. And I can't fix it. 

So, I told them all I was just so tired so after I was able to breathe steadily, Conner took the chair back to the kitchen, everyone gathered their things, hugged me and told me they loved me, and left. I hugged my son and told him how sorry I was for the breakdown. 

And then he grabbed me by the arms and said, "Mom...do not ever say you're sorry for crying about Dad. It's ok. Everybody knows. But don't ever say you're sorry."

Wow. That's my son. That's my husband right inside there in that grown up man voice Conner can sometimes use, even at only 11. I am beyond proud of my little man. 

So I was so drained by the time everyone left that I went to rest on the couch and ended up taking a two hour nap. 

I dreamed of him while I slept. I could taste the salt on his lips when he would come in and kiss me after working all day. I felt the callouses on his hands as he laced his fingers with mine. I could smell on him what lots of women might complain about (NO, not body odor)...the smell of dirt and hard work. I could feel his whiskers as he snuggled next to me and kissed the back of my neck. I could see the mischief in his eyes when he would smile at me. 

I could feel him. I could hear him. 

And then I woke. 

My birthday is today. I'm 37 today. My life WAS where it was supposed to be just 7 short months ago (it will be 7 months in 3 days). My life was what I had dreamed of and planned for. My husband was the man of my dreams and he loved me, really loved me. 

I even asked his best friend the other day if Mike was truly as happy as I thought he was. He told me he had never seen him happier. He told me he smiled more when he met me; he laughed harder when we began; he loved me as much as I loved him. 

I miss my husband being here on my birthday just as much as I miss him being here on his. My sister told me that surely today would be manageable because I have made it through Mike's birthday, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Conner's birthday, and such...but today is just as difficult as all the others. Every "first" will be so. Probably every "seventh" or "tenth" will too. Why? Because I haven't stopped loving him. I didn't get the choice to say it was over. I didn't fall out of love and move on. He is my husband. Still. Always. 

So, please remember us in your prayers on my birthday today. My strength has wavered once more. 

I will go visit my husband today and will tell him how much I love and miss him. The rest of the day I will try to survive the best I can. 


I love you baby...Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity...
#stillhis

Love,
Veronica



Wednesday, July 22, 2015

My Spot...

The last few days have been a whirlwind of both emotions and busy tasks. 

I survived my first principal conference...well barely. I came home stressed and nervous and insecure yesterday but did make some awesome connections that I hope will be helpful in my years to come! I took a friend and her son with us so that Conner would have a good time while I was in meetings. 

This afternoon and evening I participated in my first interviews being on the other side of the table. I was so nervous in the beginning that I was saying praises that my office is close to the women's restroom! The interviews went very well though so that was a relief. 

My superintendent wanted to see me afterward (again I was nervous and scared to death...I mean, anytime your boss wants to see you don't your nerves flutter?). Luckily he wanted to give me a faculty shirt and thank me for hitting the ground running! Whoo hoo! 

But...I'm still in my "spot", on the front deck, worrying, crying, missing my husband. Regardless of the little triumphs that are coming my way, I'm sad. I'm still broken into a million pieces.

I don't have my best friend to tell all of my triumphs to! I don't have the love of my life to tell me how proud he is of me! 

While in Columbia for my conference, I actually cried at a stupid stoplight. Middle of city traffic and I'm sure the person in the left lane was looking at me like I was an idiot! Not the regular little cry either. Like, I couldn't catch my breath for a minute and almost went into one of my bad crying spells. Wanna know why? 

Because I haven't been to Columbia in 13 years without Mike either already being there for work and Conner and I joining him, OR at least having him to call home to in the mornings, during the day, and at bedtime. I cried at a freaking stoplight. That's dumb. 

We arrived home yesterday evening and as soon as I had unloaded the truck, I changed into farm clothes and raced out on the ranger to cube my cows. Came in, unpacked, then sat on the porch in my spot and cried. For two hours I sat here and cried. 

And now...here I am again. In the silence. Remembering all the times I've sat here or on our old porch with Mike. All the talks about life. About our boys. About the farm. About how much we loved each other through all the hard stuff. 

And now I'm alone. I know I say that often, and people are probably sick of it. But there is NOTHING comparable to the loneliness caused by the death of your spouse. I mean, of course as long as you're happy and genuinely in love with your spouse I suppose there would be nothing worse. I'm not sure about those marriages that are not full of a passionate, forgiving, reciprocated, unmeasurable kind of love. I don't know about those marriages because I did not have that kind of marriage. 

Mine WAS full of passion. Every day. Mike was passionate about so much! Including me...and I had NEVER been made to feel like he made me feel before about myself and marriage and what love was supposed to look like every day. 

Mine WAS forgiving. We learned over 13 years to forgive and to do it quickly and fully. I've said this before: our marriage was not perfect. Sometimes it was down right hard to be married to Mike. He wasn't an easy man to be married to sometimes. He was insanely busy and rarely home. He could get very angry and would basically throw huge fits. He was jealous. He was not always 100% supportive of me and my dreams. He kept things from me, obviously finances was one of them. But none of that matters. He was perfect for me. I forgave him quickly. Every time. 

My marriage WAS reciprocated. I mean, he loved me and forgave me and wanted me back just as much as I did him. It was not a one-way street. No one-sided relationship will work. We never had to worry about that. He loved me so hard. He made me FEEL that every single day that we were together, even when we couldn't physically be together because of work. He never once made me doubt that he loved me and wanted me just as much as I did him. 

And my love for this man IS STILL ALIVE and unmeasurable. I am still so in love with my husband. I still call myself his wife. I mention him about a million times a day. I think about our life we built together nonstop. I still make decisions I know that he would be proud of. I still talk to him. I am #stillhis. 

I worry about that for my future. I worry about ever being able to let that part of my heart be open to someone new. I read a blog a while back from a fellow widow who has remarried. Her new husband wanted to write a post on her blog. He wrote something along the lines of what it is like to married to a widow, knowing he was not the first and only man in her heart and in her life. 

I wonder if there is someone out there who can love me and who I can love all the while I love my husband still beyond measure. 

Mike will always be my husband. I did not choose for my marriage to end. I did not ask for a divorce. I did not say goodbye or get closure, and I still struggle every second of the day with accepting that he is gone. 

So, I find myself sitting in my spot so many evenings. Conner snapped this picture when he caught me staring into space with the blank look on my face. I'm deep in thought in this picture, obviously. I'm holding on to memories and trying to let go of fear. It's not working. But I'm trying. 

I love you more than words Babe...NFAxI
#stillhis

Love,
Veronica 


Saturday, July 18, 2015

Quiet Whispers...

When I became a mother a little more than 11 years ago, I knew I was in for sleepless nights. I knew that routines would, or in my son's case, would not be established. I was used to a full night's sleep except for the occasional visit to the bathroom. Those were rare PRE-motherhood, but not so much anymore. 

I prepared myself mentally for the every couple of hour feedings, the million diaper changes, the rocking until sleep visited us again briefly, and all that new mom sleep deprivation "stuff". 

Sleeplessness due to parenting is a whole different ballgame than sleeplessness due to widowhood. 



I have been awake since 3:00 am. This was not by choice and this was not without my best efforts to fall back to nothingness. 

My sleeplessness now plagues me all hours of the night and it hides right under my pillow every single night, just waiting to whisper in my ear. Just waiting to bring me thoughts that I cannot shake. It doesn't even bring me dreams...just thoughts that won't quiet the whispering. Ever. 

It whispers to me things like:

You're going to be alone forever.
You should be alone forever. 
Wait, no you shouldn't.
You should try to meet someone new.
I hope you do meet someone new.
But he will never be like Mike. 
You will never find someone like Mike.
Well, maybe you will. 
But I doubt it. 
You have to think about Conner, like on every date you might ever go on.
I can't believe you're already thinking about maybe meeting someone new in the future, I don't care how far out you see it. 
How dare you consider a new life.
But Mike would want you to. 
You guys actually talked about it a long time ago. 
You remember, what you each would do if something happened to the other? 
I remember.
You told him to find someone who treated Conner like gold.
You teased him and told him she better not be hot.
He told you to find someone who would be good to Conner and you.
He told you to look for someone who didn't work as hard as he did. 
He told you to just try and be happy, it didn't matter who it was with. 
He told you he wanted you to be able to be happy again without him if that ever happened. 
Well, it happened didn't it?
Now what? 
What about the bills that are coming up due?
What about your new job?
I know you wish Mike was here for it but he's not so you might as well get excited and happy about it. 
He wants you to be.
It's the job he wanted you to have so you know he's smiling down.
So just be happy about it.
Make a difference.
What if you suck at it?
What if you have all these great ideas and things you want to do and then nobody likes them and wants to do them?
What if Conner hates his new school?
But...what if he LOVES it?!
What if you succeed and you actually become the best principal ever?!
When is his tombstone coming to be placed?
I know you are ready for it so it kind of honors him and gives you and the boys a place to see him, even if it's not really seeing him.
I wonder if the cows are ok.
You know Mike used to check them all hours of the night.
Maybe you should too.
But, you'll wake Conner.
He would be scared of he woke and you weren't in bed.
So just lay here, the cows are fine. 
Ok, shut down.
Go to sleep.
Wait, what all do you have on the calendar this week? ....……………
...................

And the cycle continues much like this ALL.NIGHT. EVERY.NIGHT.

When I became a new mother and sleep evaded me, I had Mike to lean on and share the sleeplessness with. We would take turns.

I have no one to take turns with. I have no one. 

I miss having someone.
I miss my husband. 

I love you more than words, baby. NFAxI...
#stillhis

Love,
Veronica 



Friday, July 17, 2015

This Morning's Battle...

Reality is ridiculous. It's dumb and I hate it. I know I have to live in it but I don't understand it. 

I have been having better days lately. I've been laughing more and crying less.  There has still been the ever present stress of probate and finances that sometimes makes my chest feel tight and my palms sweat, but for the most part I've been better. 

But then even when those better days seem to start collecting, something triggers the demon inside that is named grief. 

Last night when I went to bed I had to take two ibuprofen pm because I haven't slept soundly in weeks.  Conner had a friend up the other night and I had just dozed off when they came to bed at midnight and ruined all chances of returning to sleep quickly.  I spent yesterday with a terrible pain in my neck if I moved just right because even when I sleep it is with such tension that my muscles are all jacked up. 

When I went to bed last night it seemed very strange for a moment that even though for the past 6 1/2 months my son has been sleeping in my bed, Mike wasn't there. 

Mike was a part of me and I was a part of him. Now I feel like I'm literally living without a vital organ so things don't work with me the same as before. My brain suffers from widow brain; I forget things if I do not set reminders in my phone. My heart skips beats sometimes and I have to catch my breath because some memory overwhelms my defenses and I crumble in sobs. 

I miss all the little things we would say to each other, just telling about our highs and lows of the day. I now have no one to tell those to. 

That absence of my most favorite and frequent confidant is what sometimes now sends me into those gut wrenching sobs that took hold the first few days. Those were the sobs that I sometimes think, "what did I look like in those moments? What did people think when all of a sudden in the middle of stories about him I literally began the strange pattern of breathing and my sister had to come to my chair and bring me back?"

That wasn't me. 

I have never broken down like that except one other time in my life. I lost my grandpa when I was pregnant with Conner and I was in a class full of high schoolers when I dropped to my knees and began crying. 

Now, unfortunately, it IS me. It's what happens on a semi-regular basis in this house. At least I don't do it in public. 

A part of me is missing. 
But there is no organ donor who can replace the missing piece. There is no fix. 

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if we hadn't been so happy, I don't know. I'm just so sick of the random moments that wash over me and no one can make it better for those crippling minutes. 

And in those crippling sobs and periods of panic attack style breathing, I also become angry.

I'm angry for many reasons.  

One is that I still cannot believe that my heart and brain cannot fully accept the absence of my husband. I mean, they are supposed to be these super strong and awesome organs, so why can't they just heal and stop reminding me? Why sometimes do they still fill me with shock and surprise that this is my new reality? For example, why the heck when Conner climbed into bed beside me last night did my heart and brain go, "ummm, where's Mike? Why are you and Conner having a special night? That's your side of the bed and you're on Mike's side. What are you doing?" 

Another is that nobody asked me! I did not choose for my marriage to end! I did not want this! I did not plan for this or EVER prepare myself for this to be a possibility! I have been divorced and it sucked, but at least I was consciously agreeing with my ex-husband that we were divorcing. I didn't ask for the divorce, he did, but at least I followed the steps of signing the papers and agreeing to dissolve five years of marriage. 

There was no paper to be signed this time. 
No agreeing to let go of the love of my lie. 

And then also...the loneliness. I read on another blog recently that loneliness is not a strong enough word to describe widowhood. Isn't that the truth?!?! 

Loneliness sneaks into your world like a vicious snake slithers in the grass, quiet and unnoticed until it strikes. It doesn't matter if I'm in a crowded gym full of lively spectators at a basketball game, or sitting shoulder to shoulder at a Cardinals game. It doesn't matter if I'm in the middle of trying to plan out questions for upcoming interviews I have to perform for my new job or if I'm surrounded by friends and family at a birthday party. 

Loneliness is my constant companion and I hate it. I wish I never knew loneliness existed. And it's like it is bitter and angry with me because it comes when I would rather it stay uninvited. I know it sounds crazy to say that I am beyond lonely and that loneliness isn't even a strong enough word to describe widowhood in one breath, but then to tell you in the next that sometimes in all this loneliness...I just want to be left alone. 

That's why I have found myself spending so much time on my deck. No talking. Silence. Alone. But a peaceful alone. Different from these dumb attacks from loneliness. A reflective solitude. 

So I've had my morning battle with loneliness and grief and it's now time to grit my teeth, clench my jaw, and make a day worth living. 

Please don't ever take for granted your partner, your most favorite and frequent confidant. Love with all that you have and with all that you are. Live today like there is no tomorrow, because one day there actually might not be. 



I love you, Babe. NFAxI...
#stillhis

Love, 
Veronica

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Hope...


Today is a new day. I rose from bed, looked at our wedding picture right beside me, and began the makings of my first cup of coffee. 

I have goals today that I need to accomplish; simple tasks really, but at least I have goals. A few months ago my only goal was to survive by forcing myself to breathe in and breathe out. 

Grief can throw us to the ground and stomp our guts out, leaving us breathless and without a view of the future. It still drop kicks me in the throat some days, but I won't let it today. 

Today I will think more about the conversation my son and I had on our deck a few weeks back. The conversation I discussed in a previous post about deciding to live while we still can so that we can take great stories to Daddy. 

I will also think about my new adventure as a high school principal. When I first accepted the job a few weeks ago. I struggled with being excited for the opportunity, which I see as a blessing from God and Mike, because I didn't have the one person with whom I wanted most to share the excitement. Today I am excited. 

I am excited to learn new things, to be the kind of principal I would want to work for, to work hard every single day at doing the best job I can. I've always worked hard, no matter if it was at the fast food joints in our tourist town, in the grocery store I worked at through college, or within the school districts for which I've taught. I will work hard. And I'll do it not only for Mike, but also for my son and for myself. I want to be proud of myself. I want to feel confident in my abilities and in a job well done. 

So today is a new day. It's a new kind of post. We are approaching the 7 month mark in a couple of weeks and time is flying by. I don't want to see it fly by until the end of my time and I look back and realize all I did was mourn to the point of no promise of hope every single day. I have hope today. We can't go wrong with hope. 

I love you and miss you endlessly Babe, and I have to make stories to tell you when I come running! 



NFAxI...#stillhis 
Love,
Veronica 

Thursday, July 9, 2015

What I Love and Hate...

Missing you overwhelms me every day.  Last night I couldn't sleep for all the things I miss about you running through my mind.

I miss that one of your hazel eyes was a little more green than the other
I miss the rough callouses on your hands but the gently way you used them with me
I loved that our names became "Babe" or "Baby" after about the first week of dating
I loved that we didn't have just one song, but so many held a part of us
I miss the way I could walk into your office and see you sitting at your desk; I'd walk over to your chair and you'd put your arm around my waste and look up to kiss me
I miss that when it would rain, like it has so often lately, you would come home and rest, or sometimes just change into dry clothes and take us back out with you
I loved that I never felt afraid with you
I never doubted what my future would be like; I never felt nervous about lawyers because I didn't need them for anything; I never worried about bills and where the money was going to come from
I miss the way you would read a book a gazillion times instead of breaking down and spending $5 on a new one, but you would surprise me with little gifts
Like the time you came home with the movie "The Rookie" just because I love true sports stories.
Or the time Conner and I went with you to the Lake for a week while you were teaching and you came to the hotel to get us for dinner.  Jason Aldean had just released "Big Green Tractor" and I loved that song.  You always told me how much it reminded you of us.  So, Conner and I got in the truck to go to dinner with you and that song began playing.  I of course turned it louder and sang along, smiling and looking at you with your perfect smile too.  After it ended I said, "I love that song..." and turned the radio down.  A new song began and it sounded like Jason Aldean again.  So, I was like, "Hmmm they must be doing one of those back to back things they do sometimes because I swear that is him again."  You just smiled.  When the third song came on, I connected the dots. You surprised me with the CD and had it ready on the song for me.
I miss so much about you that I couldn't sleep last night
I miss the raspy tone in your voice, and especially when it was just the two of us
I miss the secretes we used to share that no one else knew
I loved that you put your guard down in front of me and would cry when you needed to
I loved that we had been through what we thought were the darkest of times, a couple that we almost thought were going to break us apart, but then we rose from the ashes and became this new unbeatable pair
I miss the way you would yell, "Babe, what is wrong with you?!" when I would put my cold feet on you at night
Or when I was hot flashing and you would look at me and say, "Yeah I know you're hot..."  with a wicked grin
I miss dressing up for you; I wanted to look perfect for you, or as best as I could
I love that you always told me "Thanks for still trying for me Babe..." and you would tell me I was beautiful
I miss when you would come into the bathroom while I was getting ready for work and talk to me, usually coming up behind me, just staring, and then kissing my neck, telling me how beautiful you thought I was
I miss that you would tell me over and over again over the years how much we were made for each other; we were a perfect fit in so many ways
I miss your stare...just randomly for no reason and I would ask what and you would say, "I just am so in love with you, that's all."
I miss how you used to have to write things down or you'd forget; after you left I found a post-it in your desk labeled:  "August 9, 11 years"
I miss the way when we first began you would still write your to-do list in military time
I miss the way I would have to tell you to slow down when eating because I wasn't your drill sergeant and wasn't going to make you drop and give me 20
I miss your walk; you had a very confident walk
I miss when you would tell me that you loved to watch me walk away
I love that you kept all of the pictures Conner drew for you and would tape them up anywhere; they still are taped to your office wall and office door
I love that you were so proud of our family and what we had built together
You would just randomly pull to a hilltop and we would sit and watch the cows and you would say, "I know our life isn't easy, Babe, I know that, but I know that I would not want to be anywhere else, doing anything else, with anyone else.  I think we have a good life and I think we sure are lucky and blessed."
Yeah, we sure were lucky and blessed.
I loved it all.

Now, let me tell you what I hate.

I hate that we didn't spend more time together, even though in the beginning we said we needed to still be husband and wife and not just become mom and dad.
I hate that we didn't take more family vacations with the boys
I hate that you worked too much and we fought about it
I hate that we fought about money...how you spent too much on building your dream
I hate that I didn't get a second job to try and make more money to help you finance your dream
I hate that our boys lost their dad
I hate that you won't be there for their weddings
I hate that you won't get to hold your grandchildren
I hate that I sleep without you
I hate that I crave someone beside me; I miss the way we would sit beside each other, my legs draped onto your lap and your hands resting on my legs
I hate that I cry so much
I hate the sick feeling in my stomach
I hate that I don't get to hear your voice unless I play the recording on my phone
I hate that every single picture brings back a story; It's that love-hate relationship thing with that...I am happy and love that we have so many stories but I hate that all they are now are stories and I can't build more with you
I hate that you have a grave I visit less often that I wish I could
I hate that there is a stone with your name carved into it
I hate the way you died; that is something I cannot put out of my mind
I hate that my heart breaks all over again every morning when I wake, just like it's the first day without you
I hate that my friends feel sorry for me
I hate that my family feels sorry for me
I hate that people have expectations and I don't want to meet any of them
I hate that any move I make will probably be judged by others, even though I do not care at all because my Judge knows what I'm doing is right
I hate that Conner and I are alone most of the time
I hate that you left me; you left us
I hate that we promised now, forever, and always times infinity and here I am left alone to finish it
I hate that we didn't meet each other earlier in life
I hate that we only got 13 years, 2 months, and 11 days to be together
I hate that you didn't stop at my apartment sooner to ask me out
I hate that I didn't go riding with you on the farm or to the treatment plants or whatever every single time you asked
I hate that I used to get angry about your cow manure stained pants; I'd give anything to wash them again
I hate that I can only smell you on the last outfit you had in the hamper and on your Carhartt coat I have sealed in a bag
I hate that there is still so much to sort through and I can't even touch half of it in your office; I can't make myself do it

I hate the endless depth of loneliness I feel without you
I hate the void that will never be filled in your boys' lives

You should still be here.
That was our deal.
Now, Forever, and Always times Infinity, remember?
We said it all the time.
We meant it.
I hate that our deal is broken.
Not on purpose, I know, but still it has been broken.

I just miss you.  I miss us.

I miss happiness.



NFAxI... #stillhis

Love,
Veronica

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Deafening Silence...

I used to I crave silence. I sometimes needed that quiet, alone time. Not necessarily from anyone or anything specific, but I just felt like I needed it. 

Not anymore.

This evening I find myself on the deck, alone, in utter silence, again. It sucks. I will make no bones about it. It just flat out sucks. 

Yesterday we celebrated Fourth of July after a long day. I began the morning with cleaning the interior of my truck, which took a little more than an hour. I then spent two hours hunting for a bull that seems to have magically disappeared from my herd. Next was mowing the lawn so that it would look perfect when friends and family arrived. Then it was time to straighten the inside of the house for guests, shower, then get ready to visit my husband. 

Conner rode with me and we added two more flags to the grave in celebration of Daddy's favorite holiday. I cried yesterday when I talked to him. A lot. Like it was one of those gut wrenching, wailing out loud kind of cries I haven't released in a while. 

Yesterday I became angry with him for the first time. I told him how we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together and he shouldn't have worked so freaking much and always wanted more, and then he would still be here for me. I asked him why he had to leave. 

I told him I suck at doing this on my own. I mean, I lost Ron's bull! Like, how does that happen? My electric fence isn't "hot" everywhere it needs to be; my shed isn't finished; the massive hole in our ceiling (caused by his hand checking for dampness after a leak last year) hasn't been fixed yet; I side swiped the stupid wagon wheel at the front gate last week (which is too close and he knew it and he had even hit it before along with other people--but I had made it all these years until last week) and the body shop was closed for vacation all week; more big payments have come due so I have to yet again take some of the small amount of life insurance to pay them; I mean the list could go on and on. 

So I cried while at the grave. A lot. And I cried on the 10 minute drive back to our home. 

Then I shoveled gravel next to my shed so that the lawn mower would not drag bottom when I put it in the shed for the night. 

Then I began cooking for guests. 

It turned into a bittersweet celebration and I held it together MOST of the evening. I cried when the kids began playing football because we hadn't seen Tristan in a long time and he came. He actually stayed the longest of any guests and for that I am beyond grateful. Conner was absolutely ecstatic to see his brother. I cried when my father-in-law and I went to look for the AWOL bull. I cried when the first big firework exploded because Mike was just like a kid in a candy store when it came to Fourth of July. And I cried toward the end of the show with my niece in my lap and my brother-in-law beside me. I just miss my husband. 

So yesterday was a very busy day and it had no silence. I was glad because I might have lost my cool if it had. 

So today has been spent looking for the bull again (he is still AWOL) and soon I will take the ranger out for the fifth time and hunt some more; cleaning the mess left from last night's events; resting for a short while; and mentally preparing for work. 

The silence I have now is deafening. It is so loud with the emptiness I feel. It screams at me that I'm all alone (and I know I'm NOT really, but Mike and I were so close and shared so much and I'm totally alone on an intimate relationship level). It screams at me that I should have done more for him, with him. The silence is deafening, reminding me of what I had and was so lucky and blessed to have. It yells at me such an ugly reminder of HOW I lost him and that's something my brain won't let me forget. 

So, I hate these nights. I hate the deafening silence. 

I miss him more than words and my soul aches every minute of the day without him. 


I love you baby, NFAxI... And I wish you were on this porch right beside me so the silence wouldn't be so loud. 

#stillhis
Love,
Veronica

Friday, July 3, 2015

For Mike...

It has been a while since my last post because life just isn't slowing down.  Many things have transpired since my last post.

We have made it passed the six month mark, which took place last Monday, and the day was a massive mixture of emotions.  On that day I took a step forward in my life for my son and me, and for Mike.  I struggled with being happy about a new step because my heart was aching with the weight of what the day marked.

When I was pregnant with Conner I earned my Master's Degree in Educational Administration.  I have aspired to be a principal and Mike was definitely supportive of that professional move for many reasons.  I had just never had the opportunity to use the degree until a few weeks ago.  Early in the school year Mike and I received word that a high school principal position would be available at a neighboring school district.  Mike and I talked about the opportunity many times and decided that it was a no-brainer for me to apply when the time came.  The time came just a couple of months after Mike's accident, so Conner and I neither one were ready for such a huge change on top of the devastating change we had just suffered.  So, I did not apply.

Months passed and I received a call that the elementary principal was leaving the neighboring district and she and I have been friends for years.  I talked to Conner and after a long discussion, tears, and prayers, we decided as a team that I would apply.  He accompanied me when I delivered my application, we spoke with my friend and with the superintendent, then left.  I had no expectations.  I had no nerves or worries.  It was just dropping off an application.

The following day I received a call to come in for an interview early the next week.  Still, no expectations.  I kept telling myself that it was just going to be an interview; it was no big deal.  On the evening of my interview, as I looked at myself in the mirror, I cried.  I was dressed professionally, in a black pencil skirt, black and white polka-dot button up dress shirt, and black heels.  My hair was fixed nicely and my face adorned full makeup, which it hasn't in six months.  My mom and sister had come over to help me decide on an interview outfit and to stay with Conner while I was gone.  As I stood looking at myself, I reached down to Mike's Marine Corps ring that still hangs around my neck every day.  I touched it and told my sister that I didn't know if they would like it or not, but I was not taking his ring off.  I wear it every day and I wanted him with me.  She became teary eyed too, and said it was fine.

In that moment I became someone new.  I was different from the old me.  I looked like a strong, independent, smart, successful woman.  Inside I was torn to a million pieces like always; torn between a smile and a tear, a step forward and a crash to my knees.  But, I had said yes to the interview, so I was determined and nervous.

On my drive to the interview, I prayed.  I prayed and asked God to just ease my nerves and help me to not sound stupid.  I teach interview skills for crying out loud and I did not want to mess this part up!  Almost to the office, I became teary eyed with my shaking hands and Mike came to me through his song, "Drinking Class".  I smiled through my tears because at that exact moment I heard him saying, "You got this, babe.  Good job.  You're gonna do great."  I wiped my face and made sure I still looked put together, climbed from my truck and took a deep breath as I took that first step forward.

The interview went well and for another week I thought nothing of the job opportunity.  I did not lose sleep over it.  I did not have butterflies in my stomach.  The only thing I did do was pray.  I prayed to God that if it was in His will for this change to be good for Conner and me, then it would turn into an offer.  If not, then it was great interview experience.  I lose sleep and stay stressed over too many other things in my life right now, so this was not going to be one of them.  I gave it to God.  I trusted Him and whatever came our way, I was solid in knowing that it was what He wanted for us.

Conner and I went about our regular daily routines and one evening we joined some family members for a St. Louis Cardinals game.  The evening before the game, we visited with one of my high school friends, had fun and after a very long day, most of which I had a massive headache, were ready for bed in our hotel.  I had taken ibuprofen three different times that day due to the pain that would not subside and was just about to roll over and close my eyes when my cell phone rang.  It was a job offer to become high school principal.

I asked for 10 minutes to discuss it with Conner and in those 10 minutes, we cried, prayed, and talked to Daddy.  I told Conner that if Mike was still here, we would be having this exact same conversation at this exact same moment because it was what Daddy had wanted me to do.  So, I called the superintendent back with a humble "yes".  So, Conner and I will begin our new journey this school year.  It is scary and exciting all at once, although I find it very difficult to be excited about anything anymore.

The first person I wanted to call was Mike.  I wanted to make sure he would be proud of me.  I wanted to tell him that I am still moving forward with our plan, his and mine.  It broke my heart that I couldn't hear his voice of excitement when I would tell him I got the job.  It killed a part of my soul that he could not be part of a celebration of my career.  It's just heartbreaking that something for which we both worked so hard toward cannot be shared with my husband.

But, he knows.  I know he does or he wouldn't have sent me his song the night of the interview to calm my nerves.  I just wish I could hear his voice and see his excitement.  I miss him so much.

So, the new job is a huge event since my last post.

Mike has been gone six months and four days.  When I went to the new school to look at my contract, I had to ignore the churning in my stomach.  I had to ignore the fact that I wanted to break down and just go lay beside him and cry for hours.  I wanted to spend the entire day beside him or in bed with the covers over my head.  But I couldn't.  I had to breathe.  I had to keep stepping.  I genuinely felt such appreciation and promise at the new opportunity and still do.  I am just so ready for that appreciation, promise, and excitement to overpower the despair, feeling of being lost, and confusion.

Another event that has transpired in the last bit is a memorial photo shoot that Conner and I did for Mike; Tristan wasn't comfortable with the shoot so I did not push the issue with him.  I wish he had wanted to, but it is something I did not want to push on him.  But, Conner and I both felt strongly about the shoot.  So, this is another act for Mike.  I hope that you see the beauty that was captured by our amazing photographer, Amanda Sly, with Dazzle Photography.  She is amazing and sweet and kind.  She took our pain and shot through our tears, even capturing a few of them on camera.  She let her own tears fall at our pain but I could not be happier with the images she captured.



























These are for Mike.  Everything I do is still for Mike.  My new job is for Mike.  My tears are for Mike.  My smiles and laughter are for Mike.  Our Fourth of July celebration we will hold tomorrow is for Mike.

I am #stillhis, so my life is still for him.

I love you more than words, Baby and miss you every day. Now, Forever and Always times Infinity.

Love,
Veronica